Read All About It
by damntomlinson
Summary: Harry thinks he may have feelings for Louis, but he is too afraid that Louis doesn't feel the same, so he writes down everything he wishes he could say to him in letters. What happens, though, if Louis begins to feel the same way. Will it be too late?
1. Chapter 1

Dear _You_,

It isn't easy, you know; trying to ignore you. You're always around. I see you all the time, even when I don't want to. I think the hard part, is that I want to see you. I know it's wrong, but I can't let it go. I just want things to go back to normal for us. You know it's changed. I wish you would stop telling me and everyone that it hasn't because you know damn well it has. You're choosing to ignore the tension and the pain because you want to be happy. It's funny; I bet you didn't think that I wanted to be happy too…well, I do.

I'm willing to put that aside though, because I care about you too much. I know what makes you happy, and I can see it when you are with other people. You aren't completely happy though, are you? Something deep inside you knows that what you are doing isn't right. You know you are meant to be doing something else. Maybe that's just me. But, let me tell you, I hope and pray to Whoever is listening up there that you feel something too…that you hear something in the back of your mind that is telling you to listen to your heart and go for it.

I'll always be here for you when you decide to listen. Until then, I'll just wait here.

I love you.

-_Me_

_—_

I printed out the letter, shut the laptop and sighed heavily as I rested my forehead on top of the case. I needed my best friend back. I could fix this is if I wanted to. I mean, I am the one who built up this wall between us in the first place. I was the one who was afraid of my feelings. I was scared. I put this distance between us because I knew he didn't think the same way I did…I do. I was different and weird and I didn't want him to run away. Truth is, if he would have run away, I would have broken down.

I felt that familiar ache I get when I think about him build up in my chest. I forced my chair out from the desk and snatched the letter up as I headed for the kitchen.

"Hey Harry." His usual perky voice did nothing but irritate me. I grunted in near disgust, but he ignored it and went on talking. "Got any plans for the day?"

He sounded slightly timid. "Not really. I kind of just want to stay home and watch a film or something. Why?" I retorted with the same level of shyness.

"Oh. No reason. Eleanor just cancelled our plans for the night, so I'm gonna stay in too." His sentence trailed off at the end. I cringed at the mention of _her_name.

Sometimes I regret forcing him away from me. He has always been there for me. The thought of doing anything together was still a rough subject, just because I had rejected any type of plans with him since he made me feel like this. _He made me feel like this. _I cursed under my breath as I realized just how easy it was to forget why I had distanced myself away from him the first place. When I remember, it always hits me like a ton of bricks, like someone pouring salt onto a fresh wound, and I get angry all over again.

"I might actually go out with Nick or something. You know, just to get out…" I suggested. I can't be alone with him. As much as I want to be, I don't know how much I fully trust myself to be. I headed for the cupboard and grabbed an envelope for the letter and started to head back to my room.

I felt a pang in my chest as I heard the slight disappointment in his voice as he responded with a quiet, "oh." I tried to make the guilt disappear by telling myself that it was for the best. He recovered quickly with, "well, let me know. Maybe I can get some take away or something for us to eat later." As I crossed into my room, I could have sworn I heard him finish the sentence with, "just like old times" but I pushed away the thought.

I grabbed my laptop and sat on the edge of the bed as I decided to start another letter.

—

Dear _You,_

It's really difficult to hear that you want to hang out with me. I wish you could understand why I say no, and why I don't want to. Everything would be so much easier if you knew. I can't risk you leaving me, though. As rocky as our "whatever this is" relationship is right now, I need it. I can't let it go. This is as close as I can get to what I want, and I'm honestly really trying to accept that, but you know how hard it is for me to accept defeat.

Sometimes, I feel like we are on two completely different paths. I see you, though. You are walking right next to me. You're taking the higher road. You're going places. You have amazing things ahead of you. I just want to be part of that…I won't though. I never will be.

I can dream though, right?

-_Me_

I printed this one out too and stuffed it into the envelope sitting next to me. This is a new thing I'm starting for myself in hopes of coming to an understanding with myself about all this change. I could never tell him what I actually want to, but writing it out makes me feel slightly better. I haven't found the courage to actually address it to him either. For now, addressing it to_you _is close enough for me. Maybe one day, I'll be able to actually tell him all of this. One day being far far from today, when all of these stupid childish problems aren't plaguing us; plaguing me.

My thoughts are interrupted by a loud crash of thunder outside of my window. I briskly walk over to look outside and feel a pang in my stomach when I see the weather. Dark and gloomy. There is no way I can go out this afternoon with anyone.

"Damn London weather." I said under my breath.

There was a soft knock at the door and a skinny, tan hand wrapped around the side of the door to push it open.

"Any preferences on take away?" He said with a slight crooked smile that made my heart beat fast and my stomach cringe.

"Chinese, Boo." I said without thinking.

His body stiffened a bit at the nickname. I hadn't called him that since before we even left to America. In retrospect, I blame our trip to America for all of this now. Too many long nights, and too close of a living space. To my relief, he broke the silence with another faint smile and "alright, Haz."

I sat on the couch wrapped up in a blanket surfing through channels while Louis busied himself with some house-keeping. There actually wasn't anything that had to be done, with Louis being the OCD case that he is, but I assumed that this was his way of not damaging the first real friend moment we had had in several months. We had both been so engrossed in the silence that we both nearly jumped at the door when the bell rang.

I made my way off the couch to go get the door while he brought some napkins and water bottles over to the coffee table in the living room. I could hear the channel changing rapidly while I paid for the food. As I turned around, I nearly froze at what I saw on the screen; my favorite movie, Titanic. Louis knows that I love it, but never watch it because the boys always crack jokes about it.

"Do you mind? It's the only thing on that has just started." He asked casually.

I swallowed hard at the thought of sitting so close to him for over three hours. "Sure." I managed to get out as I placed the food on the table and settled myself onto the couch a reasonable distance away from Louis.

I tried to eat as slowly as possible to delay any conversation. I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. He was so intrigued with the movie. I catch myself pretending that I am the one holding his attention and feel a warm flutter building in my stomach.

"Shit." I mumble and get off the couch in a hurry, disrupting his focus.

"What's wrong?" he asks as he adjusts his body to face me.

"Bathroom. Be right back." I manage to get out before running down the hall. After locking the door I let off a slew of curse words before I grabbed ahold of the sink to bring myself back to reality. I splashed cold water onto my face a few times. "Control yourself, Harry. Damnit." I hated myself so much right now, but I wasn't going to let it show. I took a few deep breaths and walked calmly back out into the living room.

Louis had changed into a navy blue long sleeved thermal and some gray sweats as well as his glasses. He had my blanket draped onto his lap and pulled up his chest slightly. He had a very peculiar pout on his face that brought out a bit of concern in me. I debated on whether or not I should ask him if he is okay. I sighed and puffed out my cheeks.

"Everything alright, Lou?" I said as I sat down into the corner of the couch.

"Uhm yeah." He said, though the waver in his voice indicated otherwise. _Don't get involved, Harry. You aren't strong enough. _In all reality, I'm not. My feelings are too strong and I don't know what is right or not yet. He has always been there for me though…_Damnit._

"Come along; tell me what's the matter." I positioned my body slightly to face him, not moving any closer though.

He let out a choked sigh before responding. "I got into a fight with Eleanor this morning. That's why she cancelled today. It's eating me up inside, Harry. It was stupid, but you know how stubborn I can be. It's just…" His words trailed off and he let out a heavy sigh and hung his head.

I hesitantly reached out a comforting hand to him and soothingly rubbed it. I could feel the shock of electricity course through my hand, but I ignored it to the best of my ability. I wanted us to be back to normal, so I am going to do everything in my ability to make it so, even if it hurts.

"Come here, Lou-bear." I said as I moved my arm to the back of the couch, inviting him to come sit closer.

I could tell he really missed this. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me as I felt a small sob reverberate against the spot on my chest where Louis now had his head buried. I slid my arm down from the back of the couch to rest on his back and began to rub small circles onto his shoulder, not daring to go any lower. A part of me came to the conclusion that his crying could be from me and my distance, but I dismissed the idea. I already felt bad enough.

His breathing returned to a normal pace, and we continued to watch the movie. I forced myself not to tense up with him on me still. I wanted him to lay here, just not for the same reason he wanted to lay here.

I kept looking down at him resting his head in between my shoulder and stomach. He looked sort of beautiful. As I looked a bit longer, I felt the fire burning again in my stomach, but I did nothing to stop it. In my own fantasy, I want this. This is perfect.

I glanced at the screen and saw the credits start to roll. I glanced at the clock on the wall. 1:17 am. I nudged Louis' side softly.

"Louis. Get up." No reply. I traced my hand up and down the side of his arm and tried again. "Lou…Louis."

He smiled softly and craned his neck up to look at me. "Hmm?" He said through his sleepiness.

It was an impulse, but I brought my head down and placed a small kiss right in the middle of his eye brows. "Wake up, Boo. The movie is over."

In a half-hearted attempt, he swung his legs from the couch onto the floor, but cuddled back up into my side instead and put his head right into the crook of my neck.

I was buzzing.

He always was one for cuddling, and as much as I wanted to stay here, frozen like this, an ever-prominent warning from down below was alerting me to evacuate the situation.

I put a hand on the side of his cheek and turned his face up to look at me. "Come on." I encouraged. In response, he stuck his tongue out and shook his head slightly. "Stop." I said in a mock serious tone. He scrunched up his nose as he detested my suggestion.

Another impulse- I kissed his nose right on the tip, and kept it there. I liked being that close to him.

"Harry, what are you doing?" He asked curiously. It was becoming very evident that he was waking up. I however, still hadn't left my little dream world.

He pulled away much to my dismay, and set himself up straighter, but still facing me.

"Thank you, Haz. I'm not really good at this whole 'not talking' thing." His words had a clear double meaning, but he let it roll on like it was nothing. He knew I caught it, and that's all he wanted.

He leaned in for a hug. I didn't have enough time to register what was going on, but I just let it happen. I pulled him in close to me, knowing just how much he needed this. I might have needed this just as much.

We pulled apart slightly, but kept are arms in the same place around each other. I could tell he was hurting by looking at his eyes. I want to be the one to make him stop hurting. I hate seeing him like this.

"Harry, what are you doing?" Now I was the one waking up.

"Nothing. Why?" I asked as we let go of each other.

"Were you about to kiss me?" He asked dreadfully slow.

"No. No. I wasn't." I fumbled over my words, not sure what order they came out in.

Louis looked at me with a twisted, confused face.

"Good night, Louis." I pushed myself off the couch and stormed off to my bedroom. I turned my computer on and opened up a new document.

—-

Dear _You,_

I am an idiot.

-_Me_


	2. Chapter 2

Dear _You,_

Well, that went over like a lead balloon. I don't know what happened. I said I didn't trust myself, and I was right. Thank you for not bringing it up since then. I've decided that I am going to stop being mad at you. You haven't done anything to warrant my anger, and it isn't fair to you. The only person I should be angry at is me. So from now on, I'm going to actually try…try to make us seem as normal as I can. You're doing a great job at it. You just go with the flow of everything, and I wish I could do that. My feelings just get in the way.

I think I'm stuck in some kind of 'in between' feeling. I mean, you are the only person who can make me feel like this. Not only that, you're the only…well you know, that has ever held my attention the way you do. I wonder how well being in the 'in between' would go over for us.

_Would you like me then, because I would be 'half' normal?_

-_Me_

It's been three days since I awkwardly tried to kiss Louis. Of course, him being his usual flamboyant (probably a bad choice of word, but moving on) self, carried on the week like nothing had happened. I, however, had not been able to move past it so quickly. I was embarrassed. Mortified even. I needed someone to talk to about this. Someone that would actually talk back to me, not just stare back at me like the words on the pages of the letters. Louis would be my first choice, but that was pretty much out of the question.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hey Li. Can you talk?" He must have been able to hear the unleveled tone in my voice because he suddenly became very interested.

"Sure Harry, are you alright?"

"Well that's the thing. I made a mistake and I feel rotten about it, but at the same time, I'm not exactly sorry for it." I bit my lips as the truth came out of my mouth.

"Well, what did you do?" Liam sounded genuinely worried, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him. Not like this.

"I uhm… I tried to kiss…I tried to kiss a girl who didn't really want me to kiss her, and now I feel like shit."

"A girl's got you feeling like this? When have you ever let someone mess with your heart like this before? "If_ only he knew _I thought. "Well, I think I might have the perfect solution for you. Alright? You just need a little distraction."

I could tell by his voice that he was genuinely excited about whatever he was scheming.

"Liiiiaammmm…." I groaned.

"Trust me, this will fix things up. Once I work out the details, I'll talk to you later about it, alright?"

"Fine. Thanks Liam." I said, though I wasn't exactly sure just how thankful I really was.

"Love you Haz. Feel better!" With that, he hung up the phone and I plopped back down onto my bed.

I laid there staring up at the ceiling trying to figure out what Liam possibly could have planned. After a while, that got too tiring and I settled on taking a nap.

"Oh no, he'd never look good in that. Let's try this."

"Are you kidding? This one would be best, I promise."

The two familiar voices floated around my room, waking me up. I rolled over and saw Danielle and Liam rummaging through the clothes in my closet and scattering various outfits across the floor.

"Liam, please let me pick it. You only dress good half the time, and that's when I pick out your outfits. Now step aside." Her comment silenced him causing him to turn around and make his way to the chair by the desk.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" My voice was still deep and slightly rough from just waking up.

Liam jumped onto my bed and sat next to me. I pulled the duvet over my head to shield me from his exuberant energy.

"Picking out your outfit for tonight!" He said, dangerously excited. "You didn't answer your phone so we decided to come over."

"I said it was a bad idea, just for reference's sake." Danielle said, not turning away from my clothes in the closet.

"Where am I going?" I nearly groaned.

"On a date! I figured the best way to get your mind off this girl who doesn't know what she is missing would be to set you up with someone else! Now get up! You're leaving in an hour!"

I grabbed the notepad by the side of my bed and started a new letter.

Dear _Me,_

This is a terrible idea.

-_Me_

"You look sharp, Harry." Louis cooed as I walked out of my room. Danielle settled on some brown slacks and a light blue button up shirt. She nearly threw a fit when I told her that I refuse to wear the sleeves long and made her roll them up to my elbows.

"Well, it's as good as it's gonna get." Danielle said in a jokingly dead-panned voice.

"Thank you, love." I said and kissed her slightly on the cheek.

"Go have fun, Harry." He said as I walked out the door, with Louis trailing behind. I don't have my car at the moment, so he's driving.

I couldn't help but to laugh on the way out.

"What's funny?" Louis asked.

"Danielle and Liam were like proud parents sending me off to the prom." I chuckled out.

For a majority of the ride over, I sat in the passenger seat thinking. I was actually pretty nervous for this date. Not because I wanted her to actually like me or anything, but because I was afraid it would be obvious that I didn't really want to be there.

"Hey…Harry?" I felt his hand rest on top of mine. "You're gonna be fine. Just relax." He soothed my hand out of the fist that I had unknowingly made. The electricity from his touch shot from my hand straight through my body.

"She's a really nice girl, you'll love her." Louis said as we walked up to the restaurant. It was one of my favorite places in London, 17Black.

"Where is she?" I asked, scanning the crowds of people standing outside of the restaurant.

Louis looked around for a second before finding her. "Oh! There she is. Right next to Eleanor. Come on." He grabbed ahold of my elbow and led me over, but I tensed up.

"Eleanor?" I asked.

"Of course. I wouldn't let you go on this date alone, Haz. Especially with one of Eleanor's friends. I figured that us coming would make it more comfortable. Less awkward tension, you know?" He patted my elbow and continued pulling me along.

_Less awkward tension my ass._

"Hi, I'm Melanie!" She was overwhelmingly chipper. Just like Eleanor. She and Eleanor actually shared a lot of similarities.

Melanie had a very lean body, complete with long legs and a peculiarly posh-looking face. Her brown curls fell to about the middle of her back, and her big brown eyes seemed to be glued to my face. This was going to be a difficult meal.

"Uh, hey. I'm Harry." I said after a significant delay.

"Well, come on! Let's get inside!" Louis offered.

"Melanie is on the same track as me at Uni. Communications. Isn't that cool?" Eleanor said as we waited for our salads to be brought out.

"Incredible." I bit out, trying my best to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

Eleanor and I felt the same about each other. She however, was much more courteous than I was. She's at least civil to me. I can't tolerate her under any circumstances.

"What would you be studying if you weren't famous, Harry?" Melanie asked, a bit meeker than before dinner.

"Probably law, I guess. Or psychology? Not sure. It changes a lot." I could feel Louis' eyes burning a hole into the side of my face as my answers came out very short and frank.

Unfortunately, (I'm not sure who is the most unfortunate out of everyone at this meal) all of dinner went over like this. If I look past the fact that she reminds me so much of Eleanor, I can actually bring myself to feel a bit sorry for her. I wasn't into this date. I didn't want to be here, especially with Louis and Eleanor. By the time dessert came around, I had turned into the awkward fourth wheel for Melanie, Eleanor and Louis.

"Maybe we could do this again sometime? On our own, though?" Her question was full of hope.

"Yeah, babe. Maybe." I gave her a quick peck near the corner of her mouth a wished her goodnight. Louis and I walked back to the car in silence.

He was mad. I could tell by how tight his grip was on the steering wheel. It wasn't until we got onto the freeway, though that Louis started talking.

"What the hell was that?!"

"What are you talking about?" I lied.

"Harry, you know damn well what I am talking about. You ruined a perfectly good date. That poor girl was really excited to go out with you and you could barely give her the time of day."

"I said goodnight and kissed her. I was a gentleman." I knew just how much this was a lie, but I continued it.

"Yeah right!" He laughed, "You kissed her because you were glad it was over."

"Arse." I had nothing else to say because it was the truth.

We pulled into the driveway of the house. The car was still buzzing with tension. I reached for the handle, but Louis locked the car.

"Let me out." I said through gritted teeth.

"No. Tell me why you acted like a douche to that girl. Tell me why you were a complete arsehole this whole night."

"Let. Me. Out." I said again, but I could feel my strength weakening.

He looked me straight in the eyes. The crisp blue orbs were practically glowing in the darkness of the night. I felt my heart stammer a bit in my chest. "Harry. Tell me." His voice was much softer than moments earlier. He broke me down.

"I couldn't do it." It was barely audible, but he heard it. My gaze dropped down to the floor and silence consumed the car. I heard the soft click of the car unlocking and I got out and heading inside.

I was in my room before Louis had even come inside.

Dear _You,_

I couldn't do it. It was too much. I didn't want to be there. Maybe there isn't an in between. Not for me. Please don't ever put me on a date ever again. That is the lowest blow in the world for me. It's like you just twisted the knife in me. I don't need someone else. I only need one person. I wish you could understand that.

I'm not normal. I get it. There is something wrong with me. If there wasn't, I wouldn't constantly hate myself. I hate myself right now. Bet you didn't know that. I'm stuck in this world where there is only one thing I need to survive, but that thing I need is nowhere around. Even worse, that one thing that I need is already in use by someone else.

It's just sad, I guess. You know, me.

-_Me_

I heard a soft knock on my door a little while later, but I decided not to answer.

It wasn't until insomnia and boredom got the best of me that I decided to find something to distract me. I quietly headed out into the kitchen to retrieve the portable DVD player and a bag of crisps. As I made my way back to my room, I saw a florescent yellow square stuck to the middle of my door. I set the items in my hand down on the counter and retrieved the square.

"You're there for me. I'm there for you. Always. X"

"Always." I said aloud, even though I wasn't sure of its full meaning just yet.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear You,

I'm still trying to understand what words mean. Just in general I guess. Some words are strange, you know? Like they have a different meaning to everyone. Always is a funny one. I mean, sometimes it actually means "forever", but sometimes it means "always, until I decide that I don't want to do that anymore and yeah."

Which one are you?

Sincerely,

Me.

I couldn't exactly see the last few words of the letter because I sneezed all over the paper in front of me and my snot smeared the pen a bit.

"Maybe you should stick to typing." A voice from the doorway said.

I quickly shoved the letter into the empty drawer of my desk and turned to look at my visitor. It was Louis of course. What else was I expecting?

"You feeling alright, mate? You look a bit-"

"Oh no, don't you dare start on that. I am fine. Just a little tired is all." I objected quickly. I always refuse to be sick. I don't have time for it in my life, so I ignore it. Unfortunately, I ended my defense with a series of rather foul sounding coughs that countered my statement.

"Harry, don't lie to yourself. You are sick and you know it. Maybe you should just-"

"Louis…stop. I am fine, honest."

He gave a rather condescending laugh and rolled his eyes at my statement.

He smirked a bit before digressing. "Alright…If you are fine, would you mind helping me with some of the furniture in the living room? I want to change some things around."

"Sure. Be right there." I said. He turned around and laughed under his breath as he walked out of the room. I stood up and began to follow him out when I became completely overwhelmed with dizziness and my stomach flipped over itself. I had to steady myself on the corner of the desk. I ended up knocking off a few books from the edge.

"Everything alright in there?" He called out.

I gulped down a stabilizing breath. "Just fine." I called back and headed for the living room._ I wasn't going to let him win this. I'm not even that sick_, I told myself.

"So, what do you want to change?" I asked as I leaned on the island in the kitchen. As casual as I looked, this thing was supporting my weight and keeping me standing upright.

"I want to spin the small sofa around to the other side, but I can't do it. Bad back, you know? Can you switch it for me?" A faint smile was present on his face, but I ignored it and headed for the couch.

I spun it to face the nearest wall. "How's that?" I asked.

He stared at it for a bit with pursed lips and his arms folded across his chest. "Mmmm, no. Let's try that wall." He pointed to the wall across the room and I spun the chair to face that direction instead. My stomach lurched over itself as I moved around in a circle.

"Here?" I asked, a little weaker than before. _Come on, Harry. Just get this situated and you can go back to your room. Just make it through this._

"No, no, no. That isn't right either." Louis said, shaking a hand at the chair placement. "Can you put it back the way it was before?"

I gulped down my queasiness and spun the chair back around to its original position. That final spin did it. My stomach quickly made its way up to my throat. I made a mad dash to the bathroom and tried to prevent myself from being sick any of the other rooms in the house.

I felt awful. I felt like my insides decided to make an appearance in the restroom and couldn't stop coming. After about ten minutes or so, I collapsed against the bathroom wall and rested my head on my knees. I was pretty sure if I stood up, my body would just collapse into a pile on the floor because all of my insides had just been purged out in the most unpleasant of ways.

"You okay?" Louis' soft voice asked through the door.

"What do you think?" My feeble voice responded.

"Can you unlock the door? I'll take you to your bed so you can lie down. You need some rest." He said.

If I hated one thing more than being sick, it was being catered to. I hated the idea of someone having to do everything for me because I couldn't. I unlocked the door anyways because I didn't feel like fighting back.

"Come on. To bed with you." He picked me up and carried me off to my room. My body was slumped against his and my feet half dragged, half walked themselves next to him.

"You aren't going to take care of me, Lou. I'm fine, really." I offered, but to no avail.

"If you are fine, why are you being carried all the way to your room?" He asked with a slight laugh in his voice.

After a few moments of consideration, I finally worked out a logical response.

"Because I'm sick." I said matter-of-factly.

"At last, the truth comes out! One of life's greatest mysteries has been solved!" He announced to no one in particular. "Ladies and gentlemen, the invincible Harry Edward Styles has succumbed to being sick! What has the world come to?!"

"Oh, shut up, and make me feel better and less like rubbish? And maybe talk a bit lower while you are at it?" His voice was echoing through my ears and all I wanted was a warm bed to roll up in and forget the fact that I am asking for help.

"Anything for the ill princess of the flat," he said as he helped me into my bed. "I'll be right back with some tablets and soup. Chicken stock with pasta and no celery, right?"

I couldn't help but smile at the fact that he was going out of his way to make me soup. If I didn't feel like absolute death, I would probably be over the moon at the attention Louis was giving me right now, and the fact that I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty for this. After all, he was the one initiating all this.

"Right. Thank you."

He smiled and gave a slight nod before walking out into the kitchen and retrieving the items he needed and got to cooking.

I reached over to my dresser and grabbed a notepad and pen to jot down a quick letter in-between the waves of nausea that were still hitting me post-"The Great Purge."

Dear You,

I'm going to hold onto this moment because as awful as I feel right now, I still have this elation coursing through me because you care. I know you always have cared, but this is a different side of you. Would you do this even if all the past circumstances hadn't ever happened?

Probably. You are just that amazing of a person. You have a perfect, self-less heart, and here I am, taking advantage of all this by letting you cater to me while I am sick.

This letter didn't go the way I was expecting it to. I think I'll stop it now.

Me.

I tore the letter off the pad and folded it up and stuffed it deep into my pocket. I won't dare take it over to the drawer containing the rest of the letters right now. I probably wouldn't make it that far anyways without spilling my guts all over the center of my room.

"I bring goodies!" Louis says as he walks into my room with a small tray containing soup, saltines, a glass of water and some flu tablets. "Take the tablets first and then eat your soup." He instructs.

I don't even bother to object, so I just follow what he says.

After I eat through about half of the bowl of soup, I start to feel the side effects of the medicine set in.

"What's this medicine going to do anyhow?" I asked as my eyelids begin to feel much heavier than I remember them being.

"It'll take care of those sniffles you have going on as well as your cough. The nausea will be suppressed a bit, but you might still feel it a little. There is also some slight drowsiness as a side effect, so don't fight against it. It'll do you some good anyways. You need it." With that, Louis removed the tray from my lap and coaxed me to lie back down on the bed.

"Don't let me sleep too long, or else I'll be up all night long, and I don't want to do that." I urged, but he shushed me anyways.

"I'll be in around dinner to check on you, alright? That's a few hours of sleep that you could use." He shut the blinds and headed for the door.

"Need anything else?" He asked before leaving.

"To stop being sick." I deadpanned as my eyes slid shut. I stopped fighting the sleep and let the darkness pull me into its clutches.

I shut the door and headed into the kitchen to put away the rest of the soup for later. I stopped for a moment and smiled to myself as I heard the soft echo of Harry's snores reverberate through the house. I'm really glad he loosened up to let me take care of him.

I've always felt especially close to him since we were formed as a band. Leaving my sisters was so hard. I was always the one who was taking care of them while my mum was at work. I guess I felt like I was suffering from that 'Empty Nest' syndrome because I didn't have anyone to care for while I was one the show.

Harry changed that though. He let me take care of him. I care about him so much and I credit that to our times spent together during the live shows. Even though he was sixteen, he was _so _young. He grew up way to fast and now he's stuck in this adult life where he doesn't belong. I see it all the time and it breaks my heart.

I busied myself with some cleaning around the house. I wouldn't normally do this…correction, I would NEVER do this, but since Harry is under the weather, I think it would probably be best. I don't want the house to be another thing he is worried about.

I wish I knew what was really troubling him. I can see it in his face all the time that something is on his mind. He's always thinking about something. It makes him very precautious as to what he does. It's like he has to check with someone else before he does anything. It's obvious that he feels like something is weighing down on him.

My thoughts were interrupted by some stirring and groans from Harry's bedroom and I headed over to peek in.

"Harry?" I called quietly into the room, but no response. I decided to walk over to his bed to see if he was still asleep.

His face looked so worn and tired. Not what an eighteen year old boy should look like. Whatever was plaguing his thoughts during daylight was definitely invading his dreams as well. He had a slight frown on his face and his eyebrows were furrowed slightly. His forehead was glisteningly damp, causing his curls to matt down a bit. I reached out to brush them away but retracted as I remembered how odd Harry has been reacting to my touch.

After a few moments of awkwardly looking down at Harry in his sleep, I decided I should head out of the room and take a nap until dinner.

"Loouuuuu…" Harry called out softly as I reached the door.

"Yes, love?"

"Come here." His voice was low and rough and filled with sleep mixed with his sore throat.

"Do you need some more soup or something? Are you too hot? I could turn on the fan or something…" He had a much washed out look on his face and wasn't offering any emotion or incite as to what he wanted.

After some silence and deliberation on his part, he let out a sigh and replied in between coughs, "I would just like a cuddle."

"How about I get you some lozenges for you cough instead." I offered up.

"Lou. Do you want me to get better?" His words were slurred together slightly and I wasn't sure how to respond. I couldn't help but think of how he reacted a few nights ago when we were watching the movie. "Pweese Boo-bear? It'll get me well right quick."

I just laughed and nodded in compliance.

He quickly-to the best of his ability anyways- pulled the blanket off the left side of the bed to make room for me to join him. I propped myself up against the headboard and allowed him to lean his head against the right side of my ribcage.

He fumbled around a bit until he nuzzled himself into the entire right side of my body. "Comfy." He said with partially closed eyes and a small smirk on his face once he finally settled in.

We sat there in that silence for a few minutes. Harry's hand was idly resting on the section of skin between my hip and my knee cap. _Probably the wrong day to wear shorts_ I thought to myself. I could feel his hand as if it were a fifty pound weight resting there. The entire spot of my leg was covered in goose bumps and any time his hand stirred or he decided to trace a small pattern there, chills went up my spine. The entire situation was making me feel uncomfortable and pleasantly relaxed all at the same time.

I finally broke through the obvious one-sided tension and proposed a question. "Harry, is everything alright?"

"Whydya ask?" He slurred out.

"Well, you've been acting rather strange lately and I think something is going on that you aren't telling me. I mean, if it were two days ago, the thought of you asking for a cuddle with the state you've been in would be enough to get a good laugh out of both of us." I wanted to just keep going but his green eyes looked up at me and made me finish there.

"I dunno. Can we just lay here annot do anything else?" His face looked so drastically young compared to how it has looked lately, even compared to when he was asleep twenty minutes before. Right now, he looked like a child who has been dragged around from place to place all day and is asking to finally go home and rest. All my questions dissipated from my mind except for one last one.

"This is all from the medicine, isn't it?"

"Probably." That was as honest as it would get today. That was also the only answer I needed for today, because in reality, it answered so many more.

There is still something wrong with him; troubling him. This open façade he has right now will soon disappear and fade away along with the effects of his tablets. Soon enough he will be well again and back to his closed-off self. For now, I'm okay with this, because I think I know. I think I finally know what it is about Harry that is making him like this. I know.

I decided to settle in and enjoy what little time I had left with this image of Harry that I hadn't seen in so many months.

I fell asleep under the soft touch of Louis stroking his hand across my curls. He knows how much I hate people touching my curls, but he also knows that he is basically the only person besides my mum who I allow to do it anyways. Right now, it was all the comfort I could have asked for and more. My body was completely electrified in every part that was in contact with Louis. I'm not sure if this was a result of the medicine or just the high that he gives me naturally. I decide not to think about it and let his movements lull me to sleep.

In my dream, I wrote him a letter. I remember sitting down at this huge, white desk that contained one single piece of paper and a pen. There was a sign hanging on the wall in front of the desk that read, "make it count." So I did.

_Dear Louis,_

Using his actual name…well that's a start I guess.

_Will you love me if I am actually me? I hope so._

_Love always,_

_Harry_

"I'll still love you no matter what." I heard his voice say as if he were answering my letter.

I turned around in the chair I was sitting in to look for him, but he was nowhere to be found.

"Where did you go?" I called out into the empty white room.  
"I didn't go anywhere." He said right back. "I'll stay right here." I still couldn't see where his voice was coming from. I decided to hop off my chair and look for him.

The chair was so high up and the ground so far, that when I jumped, I fell for ages. I didn't stop falling until I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me softly.

"Haz, it's time for dinner. You need to eat something." It was Louis. I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief at his face.

"I found you." I said. I smiled through my daze of sleepiness at my victory.

"I told you, I didn't go anywhere Hazza." He said with a smile. "Now come and eat." He left the room right after that.

I sat there for a moment, frozen at Louis' words. _I told you_,_ I didn't go anywhere _he said. Panic started to set in as I realized that Louis' voice in my dream said the same thing this Louis said right now. I replayed him saying it a few seconds ago in my mind. It seemed so genuine.

The worst question possible creeped into my mind after that. _What if I asked him where he went in my sleep? _If I did, then what else did I say. After all, I also heard his voice say something else to me in my dream as well.

My stomach dropped as I remembered what I said in my 'dream letter' and what his response was.

_I'll still love you no matter what._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

"Do you think you are quite better now?" Louis asked as he walked into the living room.

I had woken up at about 7 this morning and went for a jog to try and get the rest of my sickness out of my system. I was now hanging upside down on the couch with my head resting on the floor while attempting to eat popcorn and watch TV. Both of which, I was failing miserably at. I did a quick analysis of myself and came to the conclusion that I was recovered.

"Quite so, Doctor Tomlinson." I replied, heavily focused on making a popcorn kernel fall off my chin and into my mouth.

"Well that's good, because I have an idea." Louis said as he sat himself down in front of me, cross-legged. It took all of me to restrain myself from groaning aloud. Louis' ideas have a history of being, well, awful. They never end well and I end up dealing with the aftermath.

"What is it, Lou?" I said, in the most condescending tone I could possibly muster up.

"…so I think we should have a party." He said with extreme bated breath.

"No." I said firmly. Sometimes, I feel like Louis is the younger one in our relationship…err…friendship? I don't know what to call us.

"Please? Harry it would be so much fun!" He pulled himself up to his knees and hung his head upside-down to be at eye level with me.

"Louis, no. I don't want to have a party. That's too much work. I just want to relax and not worry about cleaning up after you. Now if you don't mind, I am trying to watch the telly." I said, trying to be more uninterested then I really was.

"Harry. TOWIE is on. You hate TOWIE. Please let me have a party! We're on break for Christ's sake! We're never gonna get the chance to have a house party again. Ever!" Leave it to him to over-exaggerate. My eyes were still glued to the TV until this very moment. I glanced over at Louis who had now thrown himself onto the floor in utter defeat and was sighing heavily into the carpet.

"Fine," I said, "but I'm not planning it." _Caving as always, Styles. Way to hold your ground. _I thought to myself.

"No need! It's this Saturday!" He bounced up quickly to his feet before making an attempt to pull me right side up on the couch.

"Tommorr-What are you doing?!" I asked as my body was currently being jerked around.

"Getting you up! We need to go shopping for all the necessities. God, Styles, It's like you've never planned a party before." He said with a rather melodramatic tone as he headed to the coat rack to grab his things.

"Haven't planned one, but I sure as hell have cleaned up after one." I muttered under my breath in mock-spite.

"Oh shut it, Haz. Live a little! C'mon let's go!" And before I knew it, we were out the door headed to the lift.

I knew I was going to be in for a long day when Louis went to Starbucks first and ordered two Venti Chai teas. He said I could have one if I wanted, but we both know very well that I hate Chai tea.

Somewhere between stocking up on "drunk people food" and debating which brand of Vodka was better, I found myself settling into a daydream about the party. As much as I hate it, there isn't a single scenario of this party that can end well unless I avoid the alcohol. I can practically hear my liver thanking me in advance.

Dear _you_,

I'm not going to drink. I'd like to keep this party as 'event-free' as possible. Every good party needs that floater who keeps the whole thing going anyways, right? You're kind of like my life floater. Even if I don't show it sometimes, I really am thankful that you are the oil that keeps my gears running…what the hell? Okay that was a dumb metaphor, but you get what I am saying.

I'm just really glad to see you happy right now. You've been buzzing about this since we got in the car…maybe this can feel normal again. Us sharing exciting and stupid things together and not feeling the slightest bit awkward about it…To be fair, I think that awkwardness is probably just coming from me. If I ever make it a point to write down this little letter that I am mentally jotting down in my head, I will make it a point to state that this entire time, you have been rambling on about this party without taking a single breath. Impressive.

-_Me_

We'd been at it for hours when we finally got back into the car. Curse his town for having all the necessities in walking distance. "We headed home now?" I asked as Louis sipped through the last half of his second Chai tea.

"One last stop, then we're home, but first…" He paused long enough to pay the toll fee, "we need to run to Topman…we can't possibly wear our current clothes to the party. We _are _the hosts after all." He followed with a cheeky wink that made me jab him in the side and let out a light laugh.

"Uh-uh, _you, you _are the host Louis. I…I'm just the… uh-"I struggled to find a description for my duties this Saturday.

"…my trusty house-maid!" Louis finished my sentence with a small amount of mock pride.

That earned him another jab which followed with both of us laughing this time. I smile to myself at how normal and comfortable this felt.

_When had things changed? _ I asked myself.

Louis' ideal guest list included a few handfuls of people from our complex, the boys, of course, Eleanor, and a few of our industry friends. Everyone showed up around 9pm, and nearly everyone was already slightly buzzed upon arrival.

"Not to worry," Louis said to nobody in particular, "we have harder stuff in the back!" With that, however, everyone seemed quite excited. I made my way to the kitchen to grab the 'hard stuff' that Louis had referenced. I had a feeling someone would be nursing a terrible hang over in the morning, and for once, it wouldn't be me.

Everyone started to get into their own comfortable niche around half 10, so I made my way to the kitchen to hang out in there. I hopped up onto the counter and pulled out my phone to occupy myself. From the next room, I could Zayn messing around with the sound system and making little remixes of the songs playing through the speakers.

For about twenty minutes or so, a steady stream of people were meandering through the kitchen searching for a drink or a snack. Nobody stopped to talk to me, which was fine. I scrolled through my Twitter mentions and entertained myself with that until someone finally interrupted.

"Well, aren't you just the life of the party." He said.

"I'll inform you," I said as I looked up to meet his gaze, "that the party is actually in the living room. Therefore, I am not involved with the party." It came out just as sarcastic as his comment, which he then could only retort with a laugh.

"I'm Mikey." He said as he extended a hand out.

Given the fact that I was still sitting on the counter and he was standing, I reached my hand down slightly to meet his. He held onto my hand much longer than expected, and I responded with an awkward laugh before pulling away.

"Right…I'm Harry. You live in the complex?" I asked in an effort to change the air.

"Why, you wanna go back to my place?" He said with a dark laugh. I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

"Uhm, No. It was just a question. We live here. We, I mean, Louis and I…Like, this is our apartment…" I don't know what it was, but my speech had become completely flustered.

Mikey looked at me for a second as if he was seriously taking in everything I had just said. "So what you are saying," he said as he sarcastically stroked his chin," is that it would be more logical for us to go back to your room instead of to my place a few floors down. Right, let's get to it then..." He paused, waiting for me to tell him my name again.

"It's Harry. And, I don't go that way, man. Sorry."

Mikey stared at me again, but seriously this time. It was a cross between him mentally undressing me and scolding me in his mind, and I didn't like it. "I'd say otherwise, mate." He said as he extended a hand and placed it on my knee.

His touch sent a chill up my spine. Unfortunately, it must have caused some sort of physical change to me as well, because Mikey smiled slyly right after. He slowly walked backwards until he was at the kitchen door. I was still seated on the counter, with my hands now tucked under my thighs. Mikey took my movement as an opportunity to shut the kitchen door before slowly walking back over to me on the counter.

"You sure you don't go that way, Haz?" He asked as he stood back in front of me.

"It's Harry, and yes."

He walked forward until his hips were positioned right in between my knees. His hands slid their way up until they were about at the middle of my thighs. "You sure you've never been…curious?" He brought his face closer to mine. We were only about 6 inches apart.

"Nope." My voice managed to crack slightly with that one word. I could barely keep myself together. _Why the hell was I becoming so undone all of a sudden?_

With that, Mikey gave my thighs a slight slap before removing them. "Fine, well call me if you ever change your mind." He backed up slightly so his hip bones were now resting on my knee caps and held out his hand. "Phone, Harry. Let me see your phone, please."

I thought about it for a second. Louis' words from this morning popped into my mind at that exact moment. "Live a little!"

I handed him my phone. _What's the worst that could happen?_

"Right, well I'm saving you as the 'Green-eyed life of the party' in my phone." He said as we traded back phones.

"Uhm…alright. I'm guessing just 'Mikey' wouldn't work, right?" I asked.

"No. Be more original." He shot back, slightly wounded by my boring question.

"Fine," I said, "You are now officially 'the guy who won't take no' in my phone. Will that suffice?" I wasn't sure if I should be annoyed or laugh at the guy standing before me as he beamed with content at my answer.

"I _guess_ that will do." He replied and walked out the kitchen without another word. Now where have I heard an over-exaggeration like that before? My stomach sank low and I felt sick instantly as I thought of Louis.

"What did I just do?" I said to the empty kitchen.

I hopped off the counter and immediately felt like I needed to do something. My mind started racing over 100 different thoughts and I started searching for something to distract myself with. I started pacing back and forth across the kitchen until my legs felt like Jell-O. I grabbed onto the nearest counter to steady myself. Finally, I just stayed there and hung my head in defeat.

"Harry?" a meek voice from the kitchen door said.

I felt my arms give out and I started to slip down. My forearms caught me, luckily.

"Haz, are you alright? What's wrong? You look absolutely dreadful!" Louis turned me around and looked me straight in the eyes. "Hey…Harry, what's wrong? You look like you are in a right state. Tell me what's going on? Did you get drugged or something? What the hell?" I just stared back at him. The more questions he asks, the worse I feel. Here he is, showing me once again, just how much he cares about me, and I go off and let some random guy hit on me and get my number.

"I feel like I'm going to be sick." I finally say.

"Let's get you to bed, Harry. I am so sorry about this party. If I would have known you were still feeling ill I would have cancelled the party. I'm really sorry." He continued on a slew of apologies the entire way to my bedroom.

"Once everyone leaves, I'll come and check on you, alright? Get some rest, love." He switched off the light and shut the door.

_Great, _I thought, _now I'm just stuck here with my thoughts. _I felt my stomach surge and I let out a groan.

I reached over to my bedside table and grabbed a notebook and the nearest pen.

Dear _you_,

Sorry if this hurts you somehow along the way.

One of us is going to get hurt, but to be honest... I think I just need to do this.

I need to know.

-_Me_

My nerves calmed almost instantly after writing that down and I fell into a dreamless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5:

Dear _you_,

I swear on our entire friendship that if this living room isn't clean when I walk out there, I will end you.

And have no remorse for it.

Yours Truly,

Me

I held my breath and expected the absolute worst to meet my gaze, but instead, the living room was clean. No cups on the table, no bits of food laying around, no disheveled furniture. Everything was right where it belongs.

"Peculiar." I say aloud as I scan the rest of the house. Everything else is this way also. I glance over to the clock to check the time. It's nearly eleven in the morning and I haven't seen any sign of Louis. He's usually awake and making a racket by now.

I look over and see that his bedroom door is shut. That can only mean one of two things.

Eleanor stayed over

Louis did something awful

_Well this can't possibly go over well_. I thought to myself as I headed for the door.

I knocked softly before reaching for the handle. No response and the door was locked. This was not like him at all.

"Louis are you in there?" I called to him followed by a louder knock.

"Uh, yeah. I'm here." His voice sounded off.

"Open the door." I encouraged.

"No thanks, Haz. Why don't you go out and get a bite to eat. My treat. Card's on the counter." His voice cracked twice through that. If I knew Louis as well as I thought I did, I knew he wouldn't be opening up this door until I left the house.

"Is Eleanor in there?" I questioned.

There wasn't a reply.

"Lou?" I called as I heard some sort of muffled breathing from behind the door. Taking matters into my own hands, I grabbed the key from above my door that Louis could never reach and brought it down to open his door.

"Louis? What are you doing?" I asked as I walked into his bedroom. He was laying on his bed still dressed in his clothes from the night before, and his back to me.

His shoulders were shaking slightly and as I approached, he pulled his duvet over him tighter.

I walked around to stand in front of him and knelt down to be at eye level. "Louis, look at me."

A broken sigh echoed from his body as he pulled the covers away from his face. His eyes were swollen and red and his face was splotchy and dotted with tear stains.

"What the hell has you a wreck like this, Lou? How long have you been crying?" A million different things started to run through my head, and all I wanted to do was to fix this problem as soon as possible.

"El and I…we broke up. She dumped me at the party last night. I don't know what to do. She won't listen to me. I tried to apologize, honest." He speech escalated quickly and ended with a terribly guttural sob that made my eyes bug out of my head. I hadn't ever seen him like this. _She did this…Just another reason to dislike her _I thought.

I reached a hand out and gently smoothed his hair down in an attempt to calm him down. He really was a wreck.

"Okay, tell me what happened." I sat cross-legged on the floor and continued to graze his head while he began to talk.

"I did something terrible. It was an accident. You know how I get when I am drunk, Harry. I just don't think straight." Well, whatever he did, he really was feeling terrible about it.

"What is it that you did, Lou?" I was almost afraid to hear the answer.

"I cheated on her, Harry. I was with someone else at the party. Eleanor walked into my room and I was pinned up against the wall with my lips smashed on someone else!" He's always been the dramatic type, and this episode was only channeling it to its full potential. His sobs came back again and I willed him up to a sitting position to get a better look at him.

"Hey, we can reason with her, alright? I'm sure she'd understand if you told her that it was just a drunken accident. She loves you too much to just say goodbye to all of that." I didn't like the idea…correction, I hated the idea of Eleanor in general, but I knew this was the only thing to make Louis feel better, and I was willing to do anything.

"No, she threw it all away, I know it. I can't fix it." He buried his head into the pillow sitting in his lap and hugged it tightly with his arms.

"And why is that?" I asked.

He looked up at me with his bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "Because I told her I didn't love her anymore, and went back to what I was doing. How could I be so stupid! It wasn't me talking, it was the alcohol…it had to be." His voice faltered at the end.

"Who were you with?" I asked, changing the subject slightly. I can't think of a single person at that party last night that would make Louis be so engrossed into them that he would completely disregard Eleanor.

"It doesn't matter who. The fact is, I've lost Eleanor for good, and I am absolutely crushed because I don't know what to do." He put his head back into his pillow again. This time, the tears were flowing more freely. I didn't make any effort to stop him either. If he was upset, the best thing he could do was to just let it all out so he could get it out of his system. I stood up and sat next to him on the bed and rubbed his back soothingly.

"Hey, listen. You are going to be alright, okay? I'm not going to let you be upset over this. Sure, you made a mistake, who doesn't. you're human, Lou. If Eleanor doesn't want to take you back because she can't realize that, we will just find you someone new."

"Great pep talk, Harry. Really turns the mood around." Louis deadpanned as he looked up from the pillow in his lap.

"I thought it would help." I said as I flashed my biggest, cheesiest grin possible.

A saw a sliver of a smile crack onto Louis face. "What a trying young man you are."

"Alright, here's the deal, I'm not gonna let you feel like shit over a girl. I'm gonna make you feel 110% better, at least for one day." I was completely serious about this and he could tell.

"Why is that?" He asked curiously.

"Because. You took care of me, and now it's my turn to take care of you. So…what would you like to eat. I'll make whatever you'd like."

He looked over at me and smiled shyly. "Will you make me some alfredo pasta? You don't have to, but if you'd li-"

"I'd love to, Boo. Why don't you queue up Grease, and we can eat lunch in here and watch it. Sound good?" I asked.

Louis nodded his head in response and managed to get himself out of bed and make his way to the television.

I walked out to the kitchen with a smile on my face; completely elated that I was able to turn Louis' mood around, if only for a little bit. _I'll make this last _I thought to myself as I turned on the stove.

"Can I sing along without you getting annoyed?" Louis asked as he hit play on the remote.

"Yeah. I won't say a single thing. Sing your heart out, Lou." I offered with a smile.

He settled against the head board and ate his pasta while I did the same.

Dear _You,_

Damn these mental letters. I never remember to commit them to paper.

Anyhow, I always manage to get us to a point where everything seems perfect and we seem normal, but I screw it up right after by doing something stupid.

This is nice right now, but please forgive me when I mess it up, because, let's be honest. What don't I screw up?

-_Me_

Louis pulled his knees up to his chest as Olivia Newton-John belt out "Hopelessly Devoted To You."

"Everything alright, Lou?" He looked terribly sad again.

"Uhm yeah," his voice slightly choked up, "it's just that I used to sing this to Eleanor sometimes, and yeah…"

"Maybe we shouldn't have watched Grease." _Good going Harry, you've screwed up again._

"No, no, no. It's fine. Really." He pulled himself together and continued to watch the scene play out right until the bridge of the song came about. That's when it just went downhill.

He pulled his knees even closer to him and silent tears started to roll down his face. This song was tearing him apart.

"Louis Tomlinson, come here this instant." I said, patting the area of the bed next to me. "You will not cry over a girl. I will not allow it."

He scooted over willingly and leaned his head onto my shoulder. More tears. I guess that's what happens after a year of dating. _I wouldn't know. _

I pulled him closer and wrapped my arms around him in an attempt at a hug. We sat like that for a while. The movie was on mute, and the only noise in the room was the changing patterns of Louis' breathing. First, fast and choppy, but soon digressing into smooth, slow breaths.

"I love you, you know…" He said after about twenty minutes of this. The statement came as a surprise, and I wasn't quite sure how he wanted me to respond, so I just said the first thing that came to mind.

"Yeah, I know." _Yeah, I know?! No 'I love you too'?! What kind of answer was that, Styles?!_

Sometimes, my mind is my own worst enemy.

"No honest. I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have you in my life." He managed to nuzzle his head into the crook of my neck as he said this. A warm feeling shot through my body as I listened to the sincerity of his words.

"Thanks, Lou…Really." I didn't know what else to say, so I just pulled him in tighter to me.

I could feel a small smile form on his face and it tickled across the skin of my neck.

The silence continued for a while longer. I wanted to know desperately what he was thinking. I wanted to avoid thinking as much as possible right now because thinking always has a funny way of screwing everything good up.

"Harry?" Louis asked as he moved his head back slightly to meet my eyes with his.

"Yeah Lou?"

His eyes scanned across my face for a moment and I could tell he was searching for the right words to say before he actually said them."Promise you won't ever leave me. Like, no matter what stupid and crazy things I do, promise that you won't walk away from what we have?"

I stared down back him. This twenty year old man who looked more like a child at the moment was asking me to stay here. To not abandon him.

_Don't walk away from what we have? _I repeated his last sentence in my head. _What did we have?_ Well I sure as hell don't know, but he seems to, and if one of us knows, that's okay with me…for now.

"Promise" I say into his wavy brown hair.

He nodded in appreciation at my agreement and laid his head down on my chest. He reached over and unmuted the tv and we went back to watching the movie. I could have sworn I felt Lou place a small kiss just below the top of my shoulder.

All of the emotions mixed with the restless night before had Louis completely knackered. He fell asleep towards the end of the movie. No surprise there. I couldn't bring myself to wake him. He deserved this rest and I wasn't going to dare interrupt it.

I think this may be it. This is the time that everything is going to go back to normal. Louis would finally have the 'old me' back. I could feel myself slipping back into that comfort from before as each day passes by. I thought it would be a struggle, but I guess not. It was just me fighting against it. Now there is no more fighting. I'm just going to let it happen.

My phone buzzed from the nightstand signaling that I had a new text message.

**[1] New Text Message**: 'the guy who won't take no'

Mixed emotions ran through me as I remembered all about Mikey from the night before.

"busy 2morrow? Wanna meet up? x"

Before I had a chance to reply, another text message came in from Mikey.

"p.s. look at my contact name b4 you text me back ;) x"

_Well, Harry, do you really have a choice here? _


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

I had the weirdest dream of my life. That is literally the last time I let Harry allow me to watch Grease and fall asleep. All I know is that Harry does not look appealing in any way when dressed in a poodle skirt and a high-collared blouse. I however, look ridiculously hot as a greaser. Slicked back hair is a good look for me. I'll have to keep that in mind for our next shoot.

I managed to squirm an arm out of Harry's embrace to check the time. It was four in the afternoon already. _Way to waste an entire day, Louis. _I thought to myself. Then, I remembered everything that had happened this morning. Harry taking care of me, eating home cooked pasta, watching Grease. The 'I love you.'

_Shit._

The 'I love you' really happened. Even worse, my promise came out too. I never intended to make that promise with him. I don't know what came over me. I guess it was just a feeling of being scared.

I don't have Eleanor anymore, and Harry was always the one I could go to with anything, even before Eleanor. Hell, that kid probably loved me more than she ever did. I just can't risk losing him. Let's face it, it's only a matter of time before I do something stupid that I will regret. It will be the one time that Harry just can't bring himself to forgive me because he's just so damn sick of my screw ups that he just can't take it anymore and he leaves.

Then I'd be all alone, and that…that cannot happen.

I shook myself out of the mental hole I just fell into and looked up slightly at Harry who was asleep too. How was he still sleeping even after a full night's sleep? I smiled to myself as I noticed that the tired look was no longer washed across his face. He still looked quite frustrated though, and I can tell he has something weighing his mind down. Even in his sleep, there is a slight frown that seems to be plaguing him on his face.

I made an attempt to reach up and brush the curls out of his eyes, but his grip around me constricted my arms from doing much of anything. I settled on looking at his tattoos until he decided to wake up.

His wrist ones are probably the ones that make me laugh the most because they all have a quirky meaning. The zigzags representing the craziness of life and how it will always be going up and down, and how no matter what _someone _would be by his side to face it with him. I wish I knew who. The four-leafed clover represents how lucky he is to be where he is at today, although Niall swears up and down that it is actually about him. 'Gome' as he'd say. I can't forget the '99p' one because it is absolutely hilarious. He says he got it because he wants to remember the times when the only things he could afford to buy on his own cost 99p. It's a cute gesture, really.

My favorite one will always be one of the first tattoos he got. I manage to stretch my index finger up to his left bicep where I drew the word 'hi' in a sharpie so many months ago. We went to a tattoo parlor that night after a show and the tattoo artist drew right over it with his tattoo gun. I traced the letters over and over again with a soft touch so I wouldn't wake him.

"What are you so damn giddy about?" Harry asked through a groggy haze. His eyes followed to where my finger was and he smiled stupidly. "Hi." He said.

"Hi yourself. Sleep well?" I asked, not quite sure of what to say. Harry was now awake, but hadn't let go of me. If anything, his grip had tightening since waking up.

He let out a tired moan in response. "What about you? Feeling any better?"

I hadn't actually thought about my relationship status since waking up. How was I feeling?

Well, if I am being honest with myself, I feel fine. I'm happy at this very moment. Beyond content. I have a little bit of guilt building up in my stomach, but it has nothing to do with what I did to Eleanor and what I did last night. I have this guilt because I don't feel bad, when I know I should. I feel guilty for _not_ feeling guilty.

"Louis? Are you alright?" Harry's question broke me out of my thought.

"Huh? Yeah. What was your question?" Clearly, I was completely lost in what was in my head.

"I asked if you were feeling any better. Are you?" His voice sounded very precautious, like he was expecting an answer that would cause an emotional break-down.

"Yep. I feel just fine. Thanks for asking." He gave me a look that I knew meant he was questioning my sanity in his head.

I'm questioning it myself, too. I still am not sure how I am not feeling any remorse over this Eleanor thing.

Break-up. I need to call it a break-up because it isn't just some 'thing.'

Maybe I am still in a "Harry" haze. I think that's why I enjoy being around him so often. He puts me into this trance where I want to do nothing but focus on his words and actions and just be engulfed by his presence. It makes me forget everything and not worry at all. I am not, however, forgetting the fact that this curly-haired boy underneath me still has his arms wrapped around me and now has his green eyes locked with mine, and shit, his mouth is moving but I haven't the slightest idea as to what he is saying because I am thinking way to much again.

"Replay."

"You can't call replay on me when I have just basically recited an entire freaking novel to you with all I have said. That was basically the best damn pep talk you could have ever gotten." Harry said with mock frustration.

"I know. I called replay because it was just so lovely I wanted to hear it again." I tried to give him a cheeky smile, but he knew me to well.

"No, you called replay because you weren't listening, you twat. Now come on and get up so we can grab some dinner." His words were harsh, but the smile on his face and the way he said it indicated his intentions were good.

"Alright, alright, but I get to pick. No more of this Chinese take-away. I literally might die of MSG." I said over dramatically to hopefully dissolve the worried look Harry still had on his face in regards to me.

"Madison Square Garden?" The fact that his confusion was so sincere made me literally laugh at him.

"No, no Hazza. Let's get some food, come on." Moments like this made me smile. The times when Harry falls into the category of a child and I am the adult and he just needs to be coddled into doing something or learning something. It makes me remember just how sweet and innocent this poor boy really is. I wave the thoughts aside as we grab our things and head for the door before I start to feel bad for him.

It's always a funny thing when someone you know comes onto the radio. In this case it was Olly. His new single Troublemaker started coming out of the speakers of Harry's Range Rover. Don't get me wrong, it's a class tune, but I've never really been one to sing along to the music of my friends. Harry on the other hand…

"Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad OH OH OH!" He belted out as we drove back from the pizza parlor after picking up our dinner.

"Harry do you mind?" I asked with a mock tone of annoyance.

"Not at all!" With that, he proceeded to turn the song up and sing even louder, if that was possible. He flashed a cheeky grin at me that stirred something in the pit of my stomach. I rolled my eyes and succumbed to the song.

"I swear you're giving me a heart attack, TROUBLEMAKER!" we nearly screamed as we pulled into the parking garage of our complex. It was nice being able to laugh all the way up the elevator and into the flat. It made me forget about my guilt of non-guilt dilemma.

"Let's eat on the floor, Haz." He looked up from the pizza sitting on the counter with slight confusion. "I wanna just do something different, that's all."

He shrugged in agreement and brought the box of pizza to the center of the living room while I pushed aside the coffee table and ottoman. He then went and plugged in his iPod and just put it on shuffle and joined me on the floor.

We sat there for a moment getting our food situated in silence until Harry broke the silence.

"Mushrooms are pointless." He said as he plucked them off his pizza.

"I thought you liked mushrooms?"

"I do. I just think they are a pointless addition to a pizza. They do absolutely nothing to add to the taste. If anything they are slimy and feel like a slug in your mouth." His gaze never once broke from the pizza and I had to hold in my laughter because he seemed genuinely serious.

"Well," I started, "you know what makes a slug better?" I proposed as I got up from the floor and headed to the kitchen.

"Hmm?"

"Salt of course." I said matter-of-factly as I handed him the shaker of salt and sat back down. He then proceeded to smother the plate of freshly picked off mushrooms with salt.

"Bottoms up, then." He said as he scooped up a handful and tossed them into his mouth. My mouth started watering and cringing at the thought of having that much salt in my mouth. Apparently his was doing the same because seconds later the floor and the entire box of pizza was covered in salty mushrooms and spit.

He looked up at me with his green eyes large and alarmed before his face contorted into crinkles as he laughed hysterically at what had become of the living room. He fell backwards and was now rolling on the floor holding onto his stomach because he was laughing so hard.

I couldn't help but join him because seeing him in that state was enough to make even the grumpiest of people break out into a fit of giggles. His booming laughter echoed through the house accompanied with my constant stream of 'ha-ha's for several minutes until both of us were literally gasping for breath and crying from laughter.

Once our laughter was reduced to small chuckles here and there, I looked over at Harry who was laying on his back staring up at the ceiling fan watching it's oscillations above us. His cheeks were completely flushed and a small vein on his temple was pulsing slightly from the amount of laughter that had just occurred.

"Thank you, Harry. I really needed this." I told him, even though I needed it for a reason different than what he was thinking.

His head lazily turned over to meet my gaze. His face was stained with tears of laughter and his eyes were so bright from happiness. I felt that warm feeling in the pit of my stomach and a rush spread from my head to the very tips of my toes. _I made him this happy. _I thought to myself. I could feel a stupid grin spread across my face, but I wasn't even going to try and hold it back.

"Anything for you, Lou. I hate seeing you upset over something stupid like a girl. You deserve great things in your life and I won't let anything stay in the way of that." He said as his willed himself to stand up. "Come here and give me a hug before I go to sleep." He said with open arms.

"You've slept for nearly the whole day, Harry!" I said jokingly as I stood up.

"Just get over here and hug me!" He turned his face up in pretend frustration while I got up and walked over to his arms.

It was a sweet embrace. It reminded me of all the hugs we would share during the X-Factor when we would find out we moved on to the next week. It reminded me of the hugs that we would give each other when we were so terribly homesick, but couldn't go home. It reminded me of happiness and unconditional care and adoration and love.

I kissed him sweetly on the cheek and squeezed tighter around his shoulders. I could feel his cheeks growing warmer as a red tint spread across them. "Good night, Haz. I'll see you in the morning."

He stumbled over his words, but managed to bid me the same. I just smiled and dismissed myself to my bedroom and fell asleep, not once dreaming about Grease, or Eleanor, or the party. Just about Harry…and mushrooms. Oh boy.

"Going out, Hazza?" I asked as Harry from the couch as searched frantically for his car keys in the kitchen.

"Yeah, I should have left five minutes ago, but I can't find my damn keys!" He said rather frustrated as he storming into the dining room, basically tearing it apart in his search.

I looked over at the far end of the sofa and next to his pizza plate last night sat his keys. I reached over and gave them a quick jingle. "Oh Harry! Look what I found."

His head peaked out from the doorway of the dining room and his eyes lit up with relief. "Thank you!" He said as he charged forward to grab the keys swiftly and headed for the door. "I'll be back after dinner, alright? See you then!" The door shut before I could say any word of agreement. I looked at my watch to check the time. It was only 3pm.

_Well, Lou, you've got about 5 hours to kill. What to do…_

I scanned around me for something to do, but the literal clutter of the house was distracting my thoughts.

_Oh no, I'm not going to clean the house twice in one week. _I thought as I tried to argue with the thought in my head to actually clean the house. Unfortunately, I couldn't come up with a single thing to do that I could do instead of cleaning.

I headed over to the sound system and turned on Harry's iPod which was still sitting there from the night before and turned the volume all the way up while Candy Girl by Robbie Williams shook the house through the £2000 sound system that Zayn insist we purchase because our flat is the best for parties in comparison to the other three lads.

I cleaned through all of the dishes, the dining room, and even managed to get the grease stains out of the carpet from last night's mushroom explosion.

"Surely that had to of killed some time." I said aloud as I looked at the clock hanging above the television. It read 4:27pm. A wave of frustration rolled over me. It's too late to make any plans before Harry comes home, so I am virtually stuck here. I'm most certainly not in the mood to go out and wander the streets because that would require me to wash up and get dressed and look presentable and that is just way too much hassle for me.

"To the bedrooms." I sigh in defeat as I make my way to clean up the bedrooms. Mine was literally beyond repair. God bless Harry for cleaning up after me every week, because there is no way I would be able to put up with myself. Thus the reason why I generally tend to leave it in the state that it is in. I'm just too lazy to clean it. I flop onto my bed and decide what I should do for the next few hours.

I can hear Harry's voice in the back of my mind beckoning the phrase that he always says to me, even though it has virtually no effect on me. "Clean your room Louis."

"Ugh." I sighed in defeat yet again and rolled myself off my bed until I landed on the floor…well, a pile of clothes that are where the floor should be. From there, I got to work.

3 loads of laundry and two hours later, my room was finally cleaner than it had probably ever been. Harry would be impressed, though he probably won't believe that I did it myself.

_It would only be nice to clean Harry's room as well, since he always does mine._ I pushed open his door only to find it virtually spotless.

_Why am I not surprised?_

In the corner of his room, there was a bunch of scattered pieces of paper as well as a shoe box and several empty envelopes. I began organizing all the papers and set them on the nightstand next to the small shoebox. One of the papers happened to catch my eye.

Written on the top of the paper in Harry's scribbled hand writing were the words "Dear You." I couldn't help myself and my eyes scanned down the paper, briefly looking over the contents of this letter. It was rather short and just stated that the living room better be clean when he came out there or else the person who it was addressed to would be in harm. The letter was dated the day after the party.

_Was this to me? _

It must have been. I just laughed at it because I could literally hear him saying it to me. I shuffled to the next piece of paper. This one wasn't as light.

This one was dated the day Harry went on the date with Eleanor's friend, Melanie. It had to have been written after, though because I could feel how upset he was when he wrote this and I could see the stains where his tears had dried up on the paper. The last line of this letter sent a jolt of pain straight to my chest when I read it.

_It's just sad, I guess. You know, me. _

The line repeated itself over and over in my head, and I didn't know what to do. How could he have been feeling like this and I not know? I felt terrible, but I continued through the letters to the next one. Everything in my head was screaming telling me to stop reading. These were obviously not meant for my eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to stop. I put them in order and read them from the oldest to the most recent, which was dated today.

Dear You,

I can't help what is going on. I want to feel bad and get you on another date to help you get over Eleanor, but I just can't. I know it's selfish, but I feel like you need me right now. Even if you don't, I want you to need me.

I want to be the one who takes care of you and who makes you feel better. Last night, I looked at you and you were smiling like I hadn't seen you smile in such a long time. I was ecstatic. Then I felt awful. I was ecstatic because I realized that I was the reason for that smile. I was the one making you happy. Then the guilt settled in because I was happier that I was making you happy instead of being happy that you were not being depressed about Eleanor.

The best kind of friend will be there to help you forget your problems…not being the cause of them.

Since I am the cause, that doesn't make us friends. But if we aren't friends, what are we?

-Me

"Louis, I'm back!" Harry yelled from the doorway. "I brought you something to eat, but please come eat it in the kitchen. I don't want any more messes."

I quickly shoved the letters back onto the floor and tried to make it look like I hadn't touched them at all.

"Right, like the mushrooms were _my _fault." I called back, tried to sound as inconspicuous as possible as I headed to the kitchen.

There was some Wagamama's on the table counter and Harry was leaning up against the pantry texting furiously into his phone.

"What did you do all day?" He asked, slightly distracted.

"I cleaned the house." I knew that would get a reaction from him.

"Bullshit." He said with a grin on his face.

"I swear! Every single room. Cleaned to perfection. You'd be impressed."

"How was your trip out?" I asked as I dove into the food, trying to forget the letter that I had just read.

"It was literally the worst. Wanna watch a movie or something? I just want to take my mind off of it and hang out with a normal best friend." He said, turning his attention back to his phone.

"Sure thing, Harry. That's what we do." I said as I hopped up onto the counter and began eating.

There was a long silence before Harry looked up from his phone and spoke. "I'm sorry, can you say that again? I wasn't paying attention."

"I said, that's what we do. Best friends help each other forget their problems." The words came out before I could stop them and panic set in right after I said it.

"What did you say?" Harry's eyes grew big as he recognized the words that I had just said.

I could feel the fear setting into my stomach and the guilt was washing over me and I didn't know what to do. Maybe if I wasn't so obvious, he wouldn't have noticed it. Those letters were still running through my head and I couldn't get my mind off them. I couldn't even concentrate long enough to come up with an acceptable excuse to get myself out of the hole I've fallen in.

"I'm sorry ," was all I could manage to say. I was literally frozen in shock that I had quoted one of his letters to him.

Harry didn't say a single word to me for a long time. He just stared. His pink lips were pressed into a fine line and his jaw was clenched tighter than I had ever seen it. His body was standing ridged and stiff and I knew what was coming would be something I'd deserve.

"Well," He finally said in a harsh tone that I had never heard before directed to me, "you've really outdone yourself this time, Louis."

"What do you mean?" I asked as I slid off the counter to stand up in front of him.

"You. You've really screwed up this time. Good luck getting out of this one, because I promise you are going to have one hell of a time doing that." With that, he walked calmly and silently to his bedroom. The silence was broken when he slammed his door shut.

I didn't know what else to do. I felt myself crumble onto the floor and bring my knees close to my chest and I hugged them like Harry and I hugged last night, knowing that I wouldn't get to feel that kind of embrace from him for a long, long time.


	7. Chapter 7

I had to focus long and hard on the ceiling fan above me before I could finally calm down. I couldn't even collect my thoughts and my stomach hurt so badly. Please don't get me started on my head. It was pounding.

"Thank you, Harry. I really needed this." Louis said. I could feel his gaze on the right side of my face. I willed myself to turn having used literally all my energy laughing at the fact that I had just sprayed him and our meal with a shower of mushrooms.

I smiled softly at him. I hadn't felt this happy in such a long time. The buzz was coursing through me as I reciprocated the thanks and stood up, trying to regain some strength.

"Come here and give me a hug before I go to sleep." I said after stabilizing myself. He stood there tentatively, and for a moment the back of my mind was screaming all the cowardly thoughts that I had managed to vanquish this night.

_That's too much._

_He doesn't want to hug you._

_He didn't enjoy this at all._

_You aren't strong enough for that._

"You've slept for nearly the whole day, Harry!" He said jokingly. The fears in my mind kept coming strong and fast.

_He's making an excuse._

_Leave now. _

"Just get over here and hug me!" I said in a mock frustrated tone in an effort to dismiss the thoughts in my head and to maintain the joking atmosphere.

The hug was different. It felt sickly familiar and it churned something low in my stomach. Not in the usual way contact does from him. It was nice. It reminded me of home and comfort. I felt like he had so much to say in his mind, but managed to translate it all through body language, and I understood every bit of it.

I hugged him back even more for all it was worth.

I felt his head move back slightly until his lips were parallel to my cheek. His hot breath was radiating over the expanse of skin and it took every ounce of me not to tense up. His lips pressed softly and briefly onto my cheek.

_Pleasedontblushpleasedontblu shpleasedontblush _I chanted over and over in my head, but the smirk on Louis' face said that my mantra wasn't working.

"Good night, Haz. I'll see you in the morning."

"Right, uh night to you too, Lou Lou." I managed to stammer out.

To make matters worse, I walked straight into the dining room only to realize it wasn't my bedroom, then having to awkwardly turn around and go into my room. I could feel Louis beaming from behind the door. That smirking bastard. God, I loved that kid.

I had a feeling it wouldn't take me long to fall asleep. I could feel my eyelids already drooping as I brushed my teeth. By the time I got to my bed, I nearly collapsed into the comfort.

_If being exhausted from laughing with Louis felt this good, I can only imagine what it would feel like being exhausted from having hot-_

"UGH." I groaned out loud at how far I had just let my mind wander.

This was the first night in a while that I had gotten a peaceful night's sleep. Sure, having a dream about getting one of your best mates off isn't exactly ideal, but I was feeling quite numb and sort of in a happy lull of calmness that I didn't feel like ruining. I rolled over and looked at my clock.

"SHIT!" _Feeling ruined._

I scrambled out of bed realizing I only have an hour before I told Mikey I would meet him for coffee.

I quickly gathered my things and jumped into the shower. While in there, I made a mental note of what would be happening tonight. I just wanted to talk to him. I mean, he seemed nice, and I'm not one to say no to people in general. _How bad can it be?_

I looked at my watch and realized I had some time to spare. I needed to get all these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Not about Mikey, but about last night.

Dear You,

I can't help what is going on. I want to feel bad and get you on another date to help you get over Eleanor, but I just can't. I know it's selfish, but I feel like you need me right now. Even if you don't, I want you to need me.

I want to be the one who takes care of you and who makes you feel better. Last night, I looked at you and you were smiling like I hadn't seen you smile in such a long time. I was ecstatic. Then I felt awful. I was ecstatic because I realized that I was the reason for that smile. I was the one making you happy. Then the guilt settled in because I was happier that I was making you happy instead of being happy that you were not being depressed about Eleanor.

The best kind of friend will be there to help you forget your problems…not being the cause of them.

Since I am the cause, that doesn't make us friends. But if we aren't friends, what are we?

-Me

I sighed in discontent, wishing I could just go back to sleep again and forget everything going on…actually, scratch that, sleeping means dreams of me and Louis getting…yeah, not going to go there…

I looked briefly at my watch to check how much time I had left.

_I seriously need to start planning more accordingly._

"Going out, Hazza?" I heard Louis ask from the living room. I however, was running around the kitchen like a chicken with my head cut off looking for my car keys.

"Yeah, I should have left five minutes ago, but I can't find my damn keys!" I managed to say amidst all the craziness. I'll regret this mess I am making later, but I really had no time to spare.

_Mental pause: why was I in such a hurry to make it on time? Was this…thing….that important?_

"Oh Harry! Look what I found." Louis said, successfully pulling me from my thoughts. I heard a slight jingle of metal from the next room over. I poked my head through the doorway to look at him. Sure enough, he was dangling the keys nonchalantly in his hand while he continued to read something on his phone.

I charged at him full speed and grabbed the keys with a swift swing of my arm. "Thank you! I'll be back after dinner, alright? See you then!"

We were supposed to meet at 3:30pm at the coffee shop on the other side of town. It was already 3:35, but I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. Not until I could sort out my intentions of agreeing to this damned 'date that wasn't a date.'

"Alright," I said, hoping by voicing my thoughts, I'd understand better, "you are just here to talk to him. Just talk about what ever. Nothing specific. This isn't a date. This ISN'T A DATE." I reiterated.

"You need advice. Maybe he can give you advice." I proposed to myself.

I heard the clicking of metal to glass and was startled to see Mikey standing there with his own car keys to my window.

"Do you always talk to yourself, or is it just a onetime thing?" He asked with a smug grin.

"Oh shut it. Let's go in, yeah?" I suggested, trying to keep as level headed as I could, but I was already sweating like a sinner in church.

We quickly ordered some drinks- tea for him, coffee for me- and sat down. Mikey stared at me from the other end of the small table with a wicked grin that had me twisting in my seat.

"Someone looks a bit fidgety. Calm down, will ya? You act like I'm gonna have sex with you on this very table." He said as he blew the steam off his tea before drinking a bit.

I nearly choked on my coffee as he said his words. My chest burned from the coffee and I finally cleared my throat of the scalding coffee with several gruesome sounding coughs that could have rightfully outdone a Tuberculosis clinic.

"Kidding, mate. Calm down. Really. We're just hanging out." He said, smiling more sincere this time.

I took in a deep breath and willed myself to relax. "Okay. I can handle that. So…tell me about you?"

He set his tea down before beginning. "Well, I'm Mikey. I'm 19 years old, and I'm gay. That's about it."

"Obviously, you prick. What else." I guess I hadn't relaxed all the way.

"Feisty, aren't we? Alright. I live about a block and a half north of here. I work at the ASOS down the road about 5 kilometers that way. I like a good cup of tea and love watching 'Love, Actually.' I can literally sleep for days, but I love to rough about with my mates back home in Sheffield. Oh, and please don't get offended if I take the mick. I can't help it sometimes. It's just in my nature. No harm intended." Mikey stared at me for a bit longer as I took in everything he said.

I was taking it in alright. It was seeping deep, too. I'm hoping and praying that this is just me over reacting and being the over-analytical person that I am, but we had literally everything in common with the exception of working at ASOS.

_And being gay. I was definitely NOT that._

"What about you, hotshot? Please tell me who I am having the extreme pleasure of spending the afternoon with." He batted his unnaturally long eyelashes at me and waved a hand encouraging me to begin.

"Okay…well I'm Harry from around Cheshire. I'm in a band. I kip with Louis who's in the band also. I like being social, but it takes me awhile to come around to certain people. Those are generally the ones that I know will be a close mate in the future. I like that move too." As I said all this, my volume started to decrease, as did my confidence as I started thinking about all the similarities between Mikey and I.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked, breaking the silence and my train of thought.

Slightly caught off-guard I responded with a quick "nothing." Unfortunately, it came out more defensive than anything.

"Alright, and I am as straight as Joe fucking McElderry. Now what's going on in that curly brain of yours?" He seemed genuinely sincere about it.

_It couldn't hurt to tell him what's going on. I mean, we barely know each other, so he wouldn't judge me. Just to be safe, I'll change it up a bit. Gender neutral. No names. _

"Alright so, I think…I think I may be developing feelings for someone, but I don't think they feel the same way. Even more so, I keep, like, pushing the boundaries with them and I always end up feeling awful about it after because I don't think it's what they want." I sighed after I said it and dropped my chin into the palm of my hand. I wasn't lying because that's exactly what is going on. I just didn't mention any names.

He pondered what I said for a moment before responding. "Why don't you just tell him how you feel?"

_Himhimhimhimhimhimhimhimhimh im_

"Excuse me?" I managed to get out, nearly choking for the second time since I have been here. I had to have been hearing things. He didn't say that, did he?

"I said, why don't you just tell them how you feel? What'd you think I said?" He asked curiously. _Almost_ completely hiding the smirk on his face.

_He did say it, the little prick._

I disregarded the tag question and answered the first one. "Because I don't think I should like them. I know I shouldn't. It wouldn't be a healthy relationship. I'd just be pining over them, but never have the feelings returned. Plus, if I am being honest, I don't think I want to hear the answer if I tell them how I feel."

"Hmm," Mikey said, stroking his chin in a pseudo-philosophical way, "seems logical...you know, if you are planning on being single for the rest of your life."

"You asked. I didn't ask for anything in return." I said, annoyed with his response.

"Okay, well for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure they would feel the same about you. You just haven't gotten to know that side yet." His words engaged me slightly.

"What do you mean?" I said, leaning forward slightly with interest.

"I mean, you don't know everything about a person. You know as much as they let on. Even if you think you know all about them, I promise there is still something more to learn. So, with this…person… you are talking about, you just haven't seen the side of them that may be interested in you because you haven't put yourself into a situation long enough to trigger it. Get what I mean?"

_I did. I got it completely. Was yesterday enough to trigger it? I mean, he did act different last night after we had pizza. It was a side of him that I hadn't seen before. More carefree and open and vulnerable, but in a good way. _

"You're doing it again." Mikey said as he tossed a sugar packet at my head to focus me on what was going on.

"Doing what?" I demanded.

"Thinking. You do that far too much. Stress and worry will ruin that pretty little boy band face of yours, Curly." He said as he extended a hand and rubbed it under my chin pretentiously.

In that moment, I felt a surge of emotion wash over me. It was anger, and it was all directed towards Mikey for some reason. Just the thought that he felt he knew me well enough to decide that I think too much and to think he could jokingly be condescending towards me made me beyond irritated. It was the nickname that did it. _Curly. _That was something that only Louis called me, and he hadn't in such a long time. Not since Eleanor came into the picture. Mikey had no right to call me that. We've known each other two days.

"I don't know who you think you are, Mikey, but let me get something straight with yo-"

"Can't be that straight, mate." He interrupted.

"Fuck off. I'm done. Thanks for coffee." I grabbed up my coat and coffee, but Mikey's hand latched onto mine to keep me at the table.

"I was just leaving." He said as he got up and headed for the door.

"Oh _Curly,_" Mikey called back to me as he was about to walk out, emphasizing the nickname. I cringed and met his gaze.

"What?"

"He feels the same. So don't sweat it too much." He followed it with a small wink and headed out the door.

I was too stunned to do anything. Mikey had no idea what he was talking about. He knew neither of us. What the hell was he going on about? I knew this was a bad idea. I should have just stayed home.

My grip hadn't loosened on the steering wheel as I drove over to Wagamama's to pick up the take away order I had placed to bring back home.

All I wanted to do was forget about this awful evening and get rid of the thought that Mikey had placed in my head.

I sat in the parking garage of our complex just staring at the cement pillar in front of my car. I didn't want to get out yet. Not until I was fully calmed down from the coffee shop disaster. To be honest, I don't know why it's nagging at me so much. My brain was racing and I couldn't get it to stop. Was there any truth to what Mikey said? Did he really think Louis felt the same way? Why did he think that I was referring to Louis in the first place?

"Give yourself a fucking break, Styles." I said as a slammed my forehead down to my steering wheel. This was all too much.

I grabbed the Wagamama's receipt and searched around in the glove compartment for a pen.

Dear You,

I don't know what to believe right now. Every time I think of Mikey's advice, I feel sick. The fear of rejection is like a flashing light warning me to get away as quickly as possible. I feel like that would undoubtedly be the result if I were to say anything.

On the other hand, hearing Mikey say that you feel the same literally sends my head in a complete tizzy. I get that warm feeling in the pit of my stomach and my nerves calm at once.

I don't even know this guy and I'm letting his words settle my anxiety. Why did it seem so damn convincing coming from him?

I wish I knew what to do, right now. I hate feeling like this.

I'm not supposed to…swing that way... I know there is already a lot wrong with me, and that would just be the proverbial icing on the fucking "Harry screws things up" cake.

I'm not gay. I just love you.

-Me

I had to cut the letter short because the receipt wasn't long enough for a proper letter. The last sentence was probably more blunt than it needed to be, but it encompassed my thoughts well enough for me to be satisfied with the letter and get out of the car.

By the time I got to the door, I had managed to work up enough happiness to seem convincing. "Louis, I'm back and I brought you something to eat! But please come eat it in the kitchen. I don't want any more messes."

Louis strolled out from the hallway and into the kitchen. "Right, like the mushrooms were _my _fault."

My phone buzzed several times. [4] New Text Messages: 'the guy who won't take no'

I groaned internally as I willed myself to read them.

"Text me back when u get this so I know u haven't gone mad & murdered Ur poor kip mate because u realized that we looked alike and all Ur anger 4 me just exploded onto him xx"

"Harry Potter, I solemnly swear not to call u Curly anymore :)"

"Sorry, I told u ahead of time that I can be a bit crude sometimes."

"Hey, don't be man, mate. It was just good fun."

I opened up a new text message and started replying back.

"Harry Potter…haven't heard that one before. I haven't killed him, he's just fine. You look nothing like him , twat."

I heard Louis walk in sometime during my angry text composition.

"What did you do all day?" I asked as I tried to type at the same time.

"I cleaned the house," he said very matter-of-factly.

"Bullshit." I said in slight disbelief, with a grin on my face.

"I swear! Every single room. Cleaned to perfection. You'd be impressed…How was your trip out?" Louis managed to ask in between shoveling noodles into his mouth.

"It was literally the worst. Wanna watch a movie or something? I just want to take my mind off of it and hang out with a normal best friend." My phone buzzed again, from Mikey.

"I might just call u hothead from now on. Shit that is some temper you got there. Denial is always the first step…or was it acceptance? We're talking cuz ur an alcoholic right?"

I rolled my eyes at the text message. I really was not up for playing his pissing game anymore.

I looked up and saw that Louis was now sitting on the counter and staring at me expectantly. "I'm sorry, can you say that again? I wasn't paying attention."

He looked down at his food and became slightly pre-occupied with scooping up his next bite while he talked. "I said, that's what we do. Best friends help each other forget their problems."

The moment he said it, I felt my chest start to pound. I knew those words. They were all too familiar. "What did you say?"

I could feel fear sinking into my stomach. It was the gut-wrenching, anxiety type of fear that mixed potently with dread. I stared at Louis waiting for him to repeat what he said and hoping in the back of my mind that I had just imagined him saying that.

"I'm sorry." Was all he said to me.

He said an exact line from this morning's letter. He cleaned the house today. He even emphasized it was the whole house.

A sick feeling hit my stomach and I felt like the wind had just been knocked out of me. I felt like I had just watched someone kick a puppy. I was afraid and shocked, but most of all hurt. I didn't know what to do.

All the anger came back. Everything that I had directed at Mikey today was now about to hit Louis straight in the face, and I wasn't even sorry for it. He deserved what was coming.

I straightened myself out against the counter and started, "well, you've really outdone yourself this time, Louis." He flinched slightly at the harshness of my words.

He was now standing before me with a slight quiver in his lip. "What do you mean?"

I was biting back hot, angry tears as the words came out of my mouth. "You. You've really screwed up this time. Good luck getting out of this one, because I promise you are going to have one hell of a time doing that." I could barely keep it together any longer, so I left straight to my room and slammed the door.

I wouldn't call the tears coming from my face 'crying' because that wasn't what I was doing. At least, it didn't feel like it. I had never felt this way in the few number of times that I had ever cried. There was a sickening feeling in my stomach that made me feel like I would be sick. I found myself pacing back and forth across my room trying to sort out what had just happened. My hands were knotted deeply into my curls when the shoebox in the corner caught my eye.

I walked over and sat with my back against the bed and reached for the shoebox containing all of my letters. I heard a slight crunch of paper in my pocket and went to fish it out. It was the Wagamama's receipt with the new letter on it. The only thing I saw were my words at the very bottom of the page.

_I'm not gay. I just love you._

I crumpled the receipt and threw it as hard as I could away from me. That sentence was as far from the truth as it could possibly be now.

I heard a choked sob from the kitchen and I dropped my head in between my knees.

Droplets began falling onto the floor between my feet which I had pulled up as close as I could to me.

_These are crying tears _I thought to myself as I made no effort to stop them, but instead let them come out even harder.


	8. Chapter 8

"I really need to talk to you." I said with urgency. I was desperate.

"No. Louis, please just leave me alone."

"Just give me five minutes and I can explain." I hated to beg, but I needed the truth to be heard.

"Fine, what? What do you have to say for yourself? If It's an apology, just please don't. I don't want to hear it. I can't take it anymore, Louis. So please, just spare me that much." The voice on the other end of the line shook with pain and emotion. I did this. This is my entire fault.

"Then I won't apologize. I do need to explain. I owe you at least that much." I took in a deep breath as I listened to the silence on the other end of the phone. "Alright. That night, I…I was drunk, and you know that. I wasn't drunk enough to mean what I said to you. I don't know why I did. You know how I feel about you. Eleanor, I have loved you from the moment I saw you." I could feel my voice cracking. My heart was breaking.

"Then why did you do it Louis. Why did you cheat? With one of my friends no less?" Her voice was shattered. My chest hurt.

I look up and stare at the ceiling of the wardrobe in my room trying to keep back the tears that I knew would come. I haven't seen Harry since last night. He hasn't left his room. So I am here…In my wardrobe because I am ashamed of what I did. My stomach ached with pain and anger.

_How could I have been so stupid?_

"Louis? Why?" Eleanor's voice broke my heart even more.

"I…I don't know. I couldn't help myself. I'm not as strong as you think I am. I'm different, Eleanor." I could feel the tears burning down my face, but I ignored it. I wanted to keep talking and explaining, but Eleanor stopped me.

"Louis, honey. I know. You are very different. It's a good different. I understand. I really do." I heard her sigh heavily, "Which is why I am not mad at you. I'm not going to question why you told me what you did. You have your reasons and I will continue to believe that it was the alcohol that made you say that. You need help though, Louis. Not the kind of help I can give to you. You need to work this out yourself. Talk to him, Louis. Please." Her voice wasn't mean or upset. It was actually filled with care. She knows what she is telling me. She means it all.

"Eleanor. I love you. More than you will ever know. I am so sorry for everything."

"I love you too Louis, more than you will allow. Just call him and talk to him. He'll want to help. Just…promise me you won't be afraid anymore?" She was pleading now.

I let out a heartbroken sigh mixed with a soft sob of my realization. "Alright. I promise. Goodbye Eleanor. Thank you." It was a solemn goodbye and very bittersweet.

I rested my head against the back of the wardrobe for a solid twenty minutes trying to work up the courage to scroll through my contacts. My head was reeling and I could still feel the tears coming down my face.

_How did I get myself into this mess? All I wanted was a party. Now I've lost Harry and Eleanor._

If I call him, there is a chance we can fix things and things could be better…but there is also a chance that I may be stuck knowing something that I don't want to know and have nobody to help me with it.

"This is exactly why I can't be alone." I said aloud, slamming my head against the wall again in defeat. I reached a shaky hand into my pocket and pulled my cell phone. So much of my life and future was relying on this phone call. I think much more then I actually realize is depending on this.

I scroll down the letters until my phone highlights the name that I am searching for.

_Here goes nothing. _I think to myself as I press the green button that serves as my literal gateway to my future.

After a few rings, my party answers.

"Louis 'the Tommo' Tomlinson! Fancy you calling me. What are you doing, mate?" The voice made me cringe and smile all at the same time. Mixed emotions to the maximum.

"I need to talk to you. I really need some help. Can we go meet somewhere? Please?" I felt almost embarrassed to be talking about this, but I needed some answers and a little bit of guidance.

"Anything for you. I know a great coffee shop we can meet at not too far from where I live. I'll meet you there when I get off work, alright?" There was something almost soothing in their tone. It relaxed me a little from all the stress that had been loaded onto me over the past few days.

"Alright. I'll see you then, Mikey."

_Dear You,_

_How could you do this to me? I trusted you. _

_-Me_

_Dear You,_

_The feelings I'd get in my stomach are gone._

_Hate is a strong word to use, but I feel it inside now._

_-Me_

_Dear You,_

_Well, you've cured me. I'm not lovesick anymore._

_Unfortunately, I can't feel anything at all, either._

_-Me_

Pages and pages of letters were scattered all over my desk and floor. I had gone through an entire legal pad writing letter after letter to Louis.

I'm not sure what time I fell asleep. I know I woke up around 9 this morning. I apparently hadn't made much of an effort to move from the ground. I was still there, surrounded by shreds of some of the letters.

When I woke up and saw them in scraps, I started to panic and made an effort to tape them all back together. They were the only things that knew of my true feelings, after-all. That's when I found the Wagamama's receipt. Then I remembered exactly why I was on the floor and exactly why the letters were torn up in the first place.

I think feeling the pain a second time around is better than the first. It's more of a dull, throbbing jolt instead of the initial 'slam you into a brick wall' impact from last night.

I can't quite bring myself to kick the letter habit, though. I'm alone now. I really don't have anyone to talk to. Anyone who knows the whole story anyways. I wouldn't want to share it. It's my burden to bear, and I plan on keeping it that way…at least I had planned to.

So, now I am here, lying on my bedroom floor, staring up at the ceiling fan as it slowly spins above my head.

Maybe, if I am lucky enough, the fan will just fall down and crush my brains in. I won't be stuck with this feeling anymore.

I don't even know what to call this feeling. Is it shame? I mean, I am terribly ashamed that I feel the way I do. I wasn't ashamed until last night. I knew it was wrong for me to think it was okay to like Louis.

There is definitely a heavy dose of embarrassment in this cesspit of feelings.

I think most of all, it's just hurt. I hurt all over.

Physically, my chest hurts from the situation as a whole. My throat and eyes hurt from crying last night. My hand hurts from writing so many damn letters. My stomach hurts from the feeling of constantly wanting to throw up at the thought of Louis reading my letters.

_If he thought there was something wrong with me before, it's pretty much confirmed now._

I'm tired. All I want to do is sleep. I just want to escape all of these feelings I have so I don't have to think about them anymore.

_Spin, spin, spin, spin, spin. _My eyes follow the fan blades around in a continuous cycle.

I roll over on to my side and grab the last sheet off the legal pad and start a new letter.

Dear You,

We're like a fan, aren't we?

It's like I am sitting on the edge of one and you are on the edge of the blade in front of me. No matter how many times we go around, I'll never get any closer.

I'd like to think that if we'd go faster, I'd be able to catch up, but that proved me wrong also. I've just fallen off, and you are there, looking down at me while I fall. You are unsure if you should do something to help me, or if you should just let me go.

Do me a favor, Louis. Fall with me. Please.

-Me

I didn't want to see him, and so I waited until I heard the front door shut for me to leave the privacy (well, not so private anymore) comfort of my bedroom.

I walked, quite hesitantly, to his bedroom door across the hall. I peeked in to make sure he really was gone.

For a brief moment, I found myself grinning stupidly to myself as I saw that his room was somehow a complete mess again. Then I glanced up at his big, empty and unmade bed. The place where we had been lying only two days ago. I shook the smile and thought off of my body and went into the room. I folded the letter in half and placed it on his nightstand.

I sat down on the side of his bed and stared at the letter for a while. I'm not sure why I wrote it, but I just want him to read it. It's something he needs to hear. The side of me that isn't feeling some array of negative emotion towards him (that is a small fraction of me) still loves him and is silently happy that he found the notes and letters. It means I can stop hiding. Everything is out there now and I don't have to pretend anymore.

Unfortunately, good things do not happen to me and I always just end up on the wrong side of happiness.

To be honest, he probably won't notice the letter is even there for a few days.

I walked into the coffee shop a little after 4pm, knowing Mikey would already be there. His entire life functions within a block or two of this place anyways…or so Eleanor told me.

After a couple of seconds, I spot him sitting in the very back corner of the room. I mentally thank him for the privacy his secluded spot has granted us.

"Take a seat, Louis. How are you?" He was genuinely curious as to how I was, so I felt I owed him a genuine answer.

_As a side note, I seem to feel in-debt to a lot people lately…_

"Well, that is just the reason I came to see you. I...uh…I need your help."

He gave me a curious smile and tilted his head slightly before gesturing me to go on.

"Alright, well I need to know something about the party the other night." My gaze had fallen to the sugar packet he was toying with in his hands. I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with him because this entire subject was too much for me to handle.

"I'll tell you what ever you'd like to know." He offered.

"Okay…why did I kiss you that night?" There was no response after I asked. After a few moments, I looked up to him and opened my eyes, unsure of when I had even closed them, and met his eyes waiting for an answer.

Very seriously, he settled his chin in both of his hands and sighed loudly before giving me a response, "that isn't something I can answer."

"Can you say you came onto me? That you pressured me into it? That I was drugged and didn't know what I was doing?" I restrained myself from sounding too pleading.

"I can, but there would be no point in that." His matter-of-fact tone was disheartening to say the least.

"It would relieve my conscience. I wouldn't feel like there is something…something…" I struggled to find the proper word, but Mikey obviously knew what I meant.

"Wrong," he finished, "wrong with you. Right? Well, it may take away some of the stress, but you'd be lying to yourself, and there is no use in that. Trust me. I've gone down that road, Louis. You can't live your life like that. It isn't healthy."

"But I'd be happy!" I shot back quickly. I may have slammed my hands down onto the table and it may have been a little louder than intended.

"Would you be?" His collected tone ended my thoughts full-stop. Would I really be happy if I lied to myself constantly?

"Your silence and that look on your face is all the answer I needed." Mikey said, relaxing back into the chair he was sitting in. "So let me ask you one question. It's nothing invading, I promise."

I nodded in acceptance for him to continue.

"What are you so afraid of? Why are you running from it?" He wasn't asking in a critical way, but more of a friendly way. I hardly thought of him as a friend given the fact that our past extended over the last 72 hours. It was a trying gesture, though.

"Rejection. Denial. Hurt. Disappointment. Anger. Opinions…I mean, the list could really go on. I don't want to be considered as anything. Why can't I just be me?" I sighed in discontent.

Mikey stared for a moment, reflecting over all I had just said. "Opinions? Why opinions?"

"I'm seen by a lot of people. I don't want to know what they make think about me."

"Louis, I've been in your shoes. I'm going to tell you all about a guy in the span of two minutes. Are you ready?" He didn't give me any time to object or agree, he just pushed on the moment I made eye contact with him.

"He is outgoing, and adventurous and spontaneous and is never afraid to speak his mind. He is the life of the party and the best source of fun no matter what he is doing…still with me?" I gave him a slight nod that was mixed with confusion.

"Alright, so underneath all that, is this poor guy who is just really confused about everything. He isn't sure what he wants in life. He's just going with whatever is happening. Worst of all, he is a basically a human puppet. He does what he told to do, act the way he is instructed to, wears the clothes people give to him. He doesn't want to object to any of this. Why? Because he is scared. He is scared because at one point during all of this, he had a moment where he tried to figure out who he is in life. And truth be told he did it. He figured out who he is. It scared the hell out of him though. The person he saw was nothing like everyone had designed him to be. It was different and unique and so far from cookie cutter. He was always taught to fear different. So that is what he did. And that is where he is now. He knows who he is, and he is afraid of it, when he should be embracing it. There is nothing wrong with who you are."

I stared at him in complete shock. I have never felt so vulnerable in my entire life to a virtual stranger.

"H-h-how do you know all that about me?" I managed to get out after my initial shock subsided.

"Who said this story was about you?" He gave a small wink and smiled at me.

I felt the blood rush up to my cheeks in pure embarrassment. "Oh, right. Sorry."

"It's fine. I'm gonna go, but just try and figure out who you are before you get anyone else involved. They could get hurt in the process, and I'd hate to see that happen to him." Mikey said as he moved to stand up from the table.

I swallowed heavily at his words. "To who?" I felt that panicky feeling in my stomach and my throat felt like it was closing in.

He looked up at me with a coy smile similar to the one before. "Hmm? Oh, nobody. Just promise me that alright?"

He extended his hand out as he offered a promissory handshake. I met it with a shaky hand. He held onto it and brought my attention from our hands to each other's face.

"Word of advice. Don't ever make a promise with someone who may not keep it. You need to keep this, alright? Trust me." Mikey shook our hands up and down a few times before releasing my hand.

As we walked out to my car, Mikey bid his farewell. "It was really great seeing you. No hard feelings about that night, right?"

I had completely forgotten the entire pretense of our acquaintance in the first place, and his comment took me by surprise.

"Hey, just do me a favor and don't beat yourself up over Eleanor. I know my girl. She's strong and will make it through this. I'll get her happy again; just focus on yourself, alright? She isn't mad; though I am sure you know that." The fact that he truly knew so much amazed me.

"Alright. Just take care of her. Please…"There was more pleading in my tone than I intended, but it was truly how it should be said.

"I will. Go on home." I got into the car and waved to him in adieu. He knocked quickly on the glass next to me. "Oh, and Louis?"

I rolled down my window for him to speak. "Yeah?"

"Think about what I said, alright? Let me know if you need any more help. Take care." He reached a hand through the open window and ruffled my hair a bit. I smiled curtly and got situated in the car…Harry's car, actually.

I decided to take the long route home so I could think about everything that had transpired today. I replayed everything he said at least a dozen times. The more I said it in my head, the more I began to understand what he meant. Even more so, the more I began to accept it as the truth of me.

My mind drifted to one of the last things he said. I couldn't shake it out of my brain no matter how many times I tried.

"Don't ever make a promise with someone who may not keep it." I said aloud, trying to mimic Mikey's voice as best as I possibly could.

You know that moment in a cartoon when the little mouse is running away from the cat and the cat gets to the point where he has no plan what-so-ever on how to catch the mouse, but then suddenly a little light bulb goes off above his head and you see the inside of his brain and all the gears in there start working and turning and everything just makes sense? That's what just happened.

It may have been two nights ago and I may have been half asleep, but I remember the exchange as clear as anything.

_Promise you won't ever leave me. Like, no matter what stupid and crazy things I do, promise that you won't walk away from what we have?_

_I Promise, Lou._


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

It's been almost a week since I cleaned the house, and in addition, read the letters…I guess the 'cleaning the house' part doesn't serve any relevance, but it's a major milestone that I am proud of, so It's being duly noted.

It's also been almost a week since I came home from talking to Mikey and found a yellow sheet of legal paper folded in half on my night stand. In the last week, I must have read that letter nearly a thousand times just trying to wrap my head around it.

The first time I read it, my chest physically hurt and I thought I might throw up. It pained me to read it because, aside from the elusive dried tear droplets smudging the blue lines, there were obvious amounts of emotion and his own pain put into this letter. He's been struggling so much and I hadn't even given it much thought…not in the way I should have been.

I can't sleep most nights, though I know he can't either. Though, for him, I don't think it's a case of _can't _but more that he _won't._ He's been out so late every single night. He just doesn't come home until the early hours of the morning. I wouldn't even know that if it weren't for this damn case of insomnia I have contracted from the letter that was _actually_ meant to be seen by me. The simple lines of it plague my thoughts during all hours of the day, and I don't sleep until I have virtually driven myself to the point of exhaustion from fretting so much.

_Fall with me, fall with me, fall with me, fall with me, fall with me. _It's like a fucking merry-go-round in my head that I can't get off of. It just keeps going around over and over again reminding me of how difficult these things that Harry's feeling—that I am feeling too…possibly…maybe?—and how he can't—we can't?—cope with them properly until we address the situation ourselves first and then with each other. I still want to help him, but I can't help until I solve my own problems first, and that won't happen unless it's accompanied by some serious forms of liquid encouragements…and maybe a pair of balls.

_Paradise _by Coldplay started playing from my phone and broke me out of my thoughts.

"Hello?" My voice cracked slightly from having not talked to anyone in several hours.

"Hey, it's Liam. Is everything alright over there?" Here he goes playing his 'mollycoddle' card on us.

"Yeah, yeah it's fine. Why do you ask?" I hated lying to Liam, but there are certain things that I can take care of on my own.

"Uhm, well because I currently have a completely wasted and passed out Harry on my couch…like this puts the phrase 'shit-faced' to shame. Now, he only drinks like this for two reasons. One, he's buzzing over some crazy good news or two…"

I swallowed because I knew what was coming. I knew for a fact we hadn't had anything worth seriously celebrating in weeks, especially not to the extent of his current alcohol level.

"…he's trying to forget something. Seeing as how he walked in here at half four this morning and is still asleep at half three in the afternoon, combined with the fact that his sleep/passed out face looks more like a troubling grimace than anything, I am going to assume it was the second option that did him in. Now tell me, Louis, is everything alright over there?" Liam's voice stayed level and even the entire time, but his paternal instincts were causing a slight waver of concern to plague his voice that wouldn't have been noticed by someone who wasn't basically a brother to him.

I let out a heavy sigh before I told him everything that had been going on…with a few voids here and there. I didn't mention the part about what his letters had said and why the actual content has me more worried than the current state of our friendship. I didn't mention anything about the letter on my nightstand either. Again, I want to tell Liam the truth, but I want to fight my battles on my own, no matter how difficult it will be.

There was a long silence that started to fester into anxiety for me. It wasn't until what seemed like an hour before Liam said anything at all. "Wow."

"Are you fucking kidding me, Liam? I just told you so much and all you have to say is 'wow'?!" Alright, so I may have escalated my reaction slightly, but I want some actual thought.

"Alright, it's just…okay, don't overestimate Harry's strength. Don't over estimate yours either. You are both strong, but from experience, not as strong as you think you are. You need each other. You can't do this on your own, Louis, and he can't either."

I let out a slight 'humph' of disagreement. Stubbornness comes second nature to me, especially when my ability to do something is in discussion. Harry's name flashed into my mind and I realized that this isn't just me. He's stubborn too, and I can't let him fall.

_Fall with me, fall with me, fall with me, fall wit-_

"Ugh!"

"Okay, okay, listen," Liam said, "this can go one of two ways. I need you to talk to him. He's not right, at the moment, mate. He's headed south fast. By the looks of him right now, this is not the only time this has happened this week. He needs someone. He needs you. Don't be selfish about this…for his sake." He threw in that last bit at the end as almost an afterthought, but he meant it nevertheless.

We disconnected and I went into the living room to figure out what I was going to do. Liam was right. I needed to do something. I have been being rather selfish about this whole…thing….whatever it may be. I've seen what has been going on for weeks, but I am just now taking the time to piece it all together. I've been so focused on my own troubles and fears—mostly fears—that I haven't even thought twice about what my younger counterpart is dealing with. If it's anything similar, he's got to be so lost up there in that curly head of his.

I was lying in my bed when I heard the front door open.

"Go take a shower and relax. No going out tonight, Harry. You need to sleep." Typical Liam.

"Yeah, alright. Thanks for the ride, Li. I appreciate it a lot." Harry's voice sounded tired and raspy no doubt from the copious amounts of alcohol he's been indulging upon, but the gratitude was very much present.

He shuffled through the house, feet dragging heavily to his bedroom to grab his belongings and head to the bathroom. This one was going to be a long shot, and I know I am going to get hell for it after, but it's going to have to work.

I heard the bathroom door shut and the water start to run. I waited a few minutes to make sure he was settled in the shower when I made my escape from my bedroom to enact my "Operation: String Repair" plan.

_Note to self: don't watch 007 movies anymore. Your imagination is already wild enough as it is._

The bathroom door sat at the end of the hall of our bedrooms. I walked over with the key component of my plan and began setting up. Lucky for me, the bathroom door swings inward, so by tying a string to his door and then to my door on the perpendicular wall, he'll be stuck in there, even if he unlocks the door. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a chair for me to sit in outside of the door.

_Sure, it was a terrible idea, and sure, I feel a tad creepy sitting outside of the bathroom door while Harry is on the other side, completely naked taking a shower; water running over his wonderfully toned bod-_

"Oh for fuck's sake Louis!" I cursed at myself as I tried to picture anything and everything that could make the slight tent in my pants disappear and the ever-prominent rose tint dissipate from my cheeks.

Thank God for adrenaline and nerves. The water shut off and I immediately snapped out of it. There was some shuffling around in the bathroom as Harry made some attempt at getting dressed from what I assume.

The click of the lock un-did itself and the door pulled open. Only it didn't, much to Harry's dismay. He continued to pull on it, but he could not get it open. I smiled slightly to myself at the picture of him on the other side, trying to get the door to open to no avail.

_Okay, don't call Louis. You can do this. It's just a jammed door. _I tried to convince myself of these things as I pulled harder and harder on the door that was blocking me.

_How much does a door cost? _I thought briefly as I lined myself to bust it down. I took a few steps back and then go towards it with a considerable amount of force, slamming into it with my left shoulder and side. Nothing happened.

_One more time _I thought to myself as I repeated the exact same action.

"You're gonna break it." Louis' voice said from the outside of the door. For a moment, I toyed with the idea of that actually being worth it instead of asking for his help, but thought against it and gave in.

"Can you open the door, Louis?" I asked, biting back any additional comments that were deadest on making an appearance. None of which would have made any woman faint at such language.

"No." He said calmly. He must be joking.

"Excuse me?"

"I said no. Not until you listen to what I have to say." I had never heard Louis so serious in my life. I would have taken more time to relish in the anomaly, but at the current moment, I was cold, wet and angry as a bat out of hell.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" My fists made contact with the door, sending an unsettling rumble through both the bathroom and the hall way.

"Just hear me out." His voice shifted to a slightly pleading tone, but he fought to keep his composure.

"Do I really have a choice?" I spit out sharply.

"No." He stated simply.

"Just know that when I get out of here, I fully plan on killing you myself with no remorse." I slid down the wall until I could sit with my back and head resting against the door.

"I'm listening." I offered up.

_Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit shitshitshit I finally have him in a position to listen and I don't know what to do._

I let out a shaky breath in hopes of calming my nerves. I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to say, and I had absolutely no clue as to where this conversation would go. I guess there is only one way to find out…

"Alright, let me just start off with telling you that I get what you're feeling; the pressure, the confusion…I get it." _Well that's a great way to start off, I think?_

I could have sworn I heard him say "do you?" so I addressed it anyways.

"I do. It's a lot to handle, and I know you are really overwhelmed with all of this...this, emotion, or feeling or whatever the fuck it is, but I'm not going to let you face it alone." I ran a slightly trembling hand through my wisp-y hair which now felt like a ton of bricks weighing down my head. I rested my forehead in the palm of one of my hands and balanced that on my knee. My other hand nervously tapped my middle finger and thumb together. It was a terrible and annoying habit that I developed when I was much younger and has unfortunately followed me into my adult years. It always serves as a reminder that a part of me is still a child, and that just does _loads _for my self-esteem.

I had been so consumed in my thoughts that I realized that I missed something that Harry had said.

"What?" I shot my head up to look at the door as if he were standing there.

"I said, why not?" It was a simple question. There weren't any inflections with his voice that showed any negative insinuations. It was a purely innocent question.

Why couldn't I figure out an answer then? I bounced back and forth between a hundred different answers, but not of which would do the question justice.

Harry's head banged against the door in obvious annoyance at my lack of an answer.

"Because I am overwhelmed too. I need you, Harry. I can't tackle all of this…change—if I can call it that—on my own. Please don't make me." I tried to ignore the fact that the end of that statement came out as a whimpered plea than anything.

Soon after, all the words that I was holding in, even some I didn't realize I was holding in came tumbling out with no intentions of stopping. "I'm done trying. I can't do this anymore. It isn't fair to anyone. It isn't fair to me. I keep hiding and pushing things away and living in a shadow of fear and I just can't do that anymore, Harry. It's too much work and I'm tired of it. I'm just…done." I rested my head back down into the palm of my hands and held it down into my lap.

I did it. I said everything that had been clouding my mind over the last week. I felt strangely happy, but sickeningly vulnerable. I had never thought much of the expression "the ball is in their court" until right at this moment. The ball is in Harry's court. I opened up and gave him everything I had to offer.

I almost had to laugh at the fact that for once, I wasn't doing something that was selfish. I'm putting myself out there solely for the benefit of Harry. I don't want any help solving my (cringe) sexual identity issue, but I want to help him solve his. Liam was right; Harry can't keep subjecting himself to any and all outlets of pain relief. It'd only be a matter of time before that escalated into something deeper. I can't let him do that.

I sat there in that dumb wooden chair for over an hour in pure silence. Harry never said one thing back to me and I didn't try and further explain myself. There wasn't anything left to say now. The silence was tearing me up to shreds and I needed to put a stop to it.

"I'm sorry I locked you in the bathroom. I untied the string so you can come out now. I'm going to sleep. I'll see you in the morning I guess." I hesitantly shuffled off the chair and towards my room. I grabbed my door handle and paused for a moment. "I'm gonna fall with you. You won't be alone on this." It was all I had left to offer up to him.

I heard the small click of the door behind me, but I ignored it and continued walking into my bedroom. If I would have turned around I would have seen the shiny glint of emerald green eyes that peaked through the small crack in the door. If I would have seen the tear-stained face that was staring back and forth at the chair that I had been seated in for nearly two hours and the door way where I should have been standing. If I would have looked back, I would have seen Harry quietly utter a 'thank you' as he wrapped his long arms around his waist in an attempt to hold himself together as he made his way to his bedroom.

Now both of us were lying in our respective beds, being suffocated by the words that were swarming the air and being tormented by the thoughts that were dragging us down into whatever abyss we were now falling in.

Even though we hadn't said it aloud, we both knew now that we were falling. Together.


End file.
